New Years Resolutions 2008

I seem to have lost my new years predictions for 2007 so I'll just skip the review of the year and get to next year's resolutions. Also, some people seem to have a problem with the idea that people only decide to better themselves when a new year comes, which is quite an arbitrary date. But I say, who cares? If it helps someone make changes when does it matter when you start? Unless you're part of the 98% of the population that sticks to their resolutions for an average of 3 milliseconds.

Per tradition, I'll have 5 and 5.

1. Adult males are composed of about 60% water. I am not content with being average, so I will aim to be 50% greater than everyone else and be 90% water.

2. Become all powerful, if only so I can blow stuff up with my mind.

3. Find some way to be able to absorb things. Think of the possibilities! If you're hungry, you don't need to spend time chewing. Just let your tummy absorb it. If you have contacts, just have your eyeballs absorb them so you have good vision forever. If you're really big and there's this midget that's bothering you, just absorb them!

4. Grow a moustache that rivals Mario's, and then win the coveted Sexiest 'Stache of the Year award.

5. Release a hit song thats similar to "This is why I'm hot", "Party like a Rockstar", "Crank that", or some other equally retarded song. There's a couple of nice benefits. I'd make a couple million. I'd get to hear my song in clubs and all over the radio. And best of all, when I walk around outside all the stupid girls that like these songs will faint from excitement when they see me. When they faint and crumple to the hard stone floor, they'll hurt themselves. I'm just trying to help out with our population problem.



1. Boost up my self-esteem... or so people tell me.

2. Right now I'm skinny like a twig. I should become something more like a branch.

3. Be a nice person and do nice things for nice people.

4. Learn how to spell.

5. Figure out who I am.


Happy New Years!!

I've Lost The "Funny"

This is my first post on this blog in over three months. There is a reason for this. It is not because I was kidnapped by fat people, although they would have good reason to try and hurt me because I make fun of fat people so much. It is not because I was overwhelmed by school, because in reality I "owned that shit". It is not because I am lazy, although I really am quite lazy. In fact, if you challenged me to a laziness contest, I would beat you by not even responding to your challenge and just staring off into space. The real reason that I have not posted in a long while is that I have lost the funny. I know that some of you, or even many of you will say in your head "Haha! You were never funny!", but you know what? The people who think that are just haters. They're boring dull haters who can't appreciate the genius that is my blog posts. In fact, when I win the Nobel Peace Prize for amazingness, they'll all see that they were wrong.

I was looking back at my old posts, and I found them to be quite funny. Not everyone will find it funny, and most likely people who don't know me won't find them funny at all, but the most important thing is that I think they are funny. I like making lists, so I have a list of reasons and theories as to why I have lost the funny.

1. Someone stole it.

We live in the twentysomething century. Things are very different now. Everything can be stolen. If someone can steal your identity, and being funny is a subset of your identity, it follows that your funny can be stolen. Well, this may have happened to me. My jokes that normally would have people slapping their knees while rolling on the ground like they're having a seizure now generate weird looks. Now people even outright tell me that I'm weird. The sad thing is that I don't have any retorts except for calling them fat, but that has its limitations. You don't really want to apply the label fat to someone who truly is fat, because then they would squash you like a bug. If you call someone who isn't fat fat, it doesn't really matter. The only time it really works is if you find a really insecure girl who always worries about her weight. Even worse, if you found some girl who is trying to gain weight, the insult would totally backfire. But that kind of girl would just be weird. Getting back on point though, once its stolen, you can't really get it back. It is just like a credit card. Once it is stolen, you can cancel it, but you'll never get it back. Note to self: Make better analogies.

2. I ran out of funny.

Perhaps humor is something that has a quantity. Maybe we all have a certain amount of humor, and our brains usually have a working mechanism that rations one's humor so one's funniness will stay constant throughout life. Maybe I am defective regarding this mechanism, and I was just using all my humor at once, and now it is all gone. Or perhaps when I was instantiated as a baby there was a mistake and I started out a deficient amount of humor. This is all very theoretical so basically I can say this is right and you have no way to prove me wrong.

3. Everyone around me is boring.

I kind of like this one because I get to shift the blame to other people now. It makes me feel much better knowing that it isn't my fault. I draw my ideas and inspiration from what I see in my everyday life, so it is pretty logical to say that if everything around me is dull, then I won't have many interesting things to spit out. So, I blame everyone I know for my downfall. I hope you're happy, because I sure am not. I need to move to somewhere funny, like Canada because Canadians are always funny. Or maybe Africa. Will Smith is pretty funny and he's black right?

4. I've become emo.

Emo people aren't ever funny because they're always too busy thinking about how emo they are and how nice it feels to be emo. Just kidding though. The day I become emo is the day I stop making fun of fat people. The only way I'd become emo is if elephants randomly popped out of the sky and fell on me every 3 minutes, because then life would truly suck.

Conclusion

There's probably a lot more crazy reasons, but by this point the question arises, why post now? Well, if I haven't said this before, I only post when I feel like procrastinating. Before I start to do any sort of work/studying, I run through a procrastination checklist. I ran out of other options so this was a last resort. As a side note, I recommend that everyone have a procrastination checklist in mind, so you'll be able to procrastinate at a much more efficient level. I'll leave you with a thought provoking question.

Why is there no negative equivalent to the absolute value sign? Why are we promoting only positive numbers? What if someone really liked negative numbers?

Positives/Negatives of Instant Noodles

This is the most honest review of the benefits and UNbenefits of instant noodles you will ever find. There has been a lot of propaganda spread about instant noodles and I hope these facts will set you straight.

Good things about Instant Noodles

- They are good for you. The sheer joy of eating them is bound to turn depressed people into the happiest people on our little planet. I believe that when you call the suicide hotline, instead of talking to you they should just give you instant noodles. Only problem is I would abuse the hotline every time I'm hungry.

-They taste good. I think lettuce tastes good. Lettuce is good for you. Instant noodles also taste good. Therefore, they must be good for you.

-They are quick to make. We live in the internet age, web 2.0, the information superhighwaywormhole time period. Quickness is key.

-They have little vegetables sometimes. Vegetables are good for you.

-They are cheap. Think about it this way, would you rather have ONE steak for sixteen dollars, or around FORTYEIGHT cups of instant noodles. Obviously, quantity is better than quality. That 300 movie was a fluke. They should have died in a couple of seconds.

Bad Things About Instant Noodles

-They MIGHT be bad for you.

Conclusion

Look at how much good stuff I typed compared to the insignificant amount I typed for bad stuff. Obviously, it has at LEAST five times more benefits than UNbenefits based on the number of bullet points. So, eat instant noodles!

Hogwarts Houses

Has anyone ever realized how unfair the 4 houses at Hogwarts are?

If you get put into Slytherin, you are branded as an instant criminal. It is like, you have no chance of being a good person. You are a bad apple. A stinker. A poohead. It doesn't even make sense why there still is a Slytherin house. They're all future death eaters anyways so the whole house should be exterminated.

If you get put into Gryffindor, you are noble, brave, and what not. Kinda boring, we all know enough about Gryffindor so not much to say.

Ravenclaw is a nice alternative to Gryffindor. They sound cool... raven claw!!!

Hufflepuff is the worst house to be in. They sound like some sort of Marshmallow. They are soft. They are beat-up-able and are pushed around. They might as well be named "The Last House". You might as well go home if you get sorted into this house.

A bunch of Hufflepuffs

Harry Potter Endings

With the release of the last Harry Potter book coming closer and closer, I thought it would be appropriate to shoot out some ideas of how the series should come to an end. Keep in mind that these following ideas have all come from a lot of hard work consisting of me reading the Harry Potter books a few times, sleeping a lot to dream about scenarios, and watching television. Without further ado, some ideas!

Frodo drops the last horcrux into Mount Doom and then Voldemort dies.
I think this is plausible. I know this has been said millions of times before but come on, voldermort is sauron, death eaters are ring wraiths, dumbledore is gandalf, fudge could be saruman, and blah blah. So anyways, in this scenario, Harry gets to do nothing and still live. Needless to say, he'll still take all the credit to try and impress Ginny, which is very dishonest of him.

Ginny is a horcrux
Harry has to make a vital decision... does he choose to save the world by killing Ginny? Of course Harry will not do that though. Harry is not very rational. He will decide to NOT kill Ginny and take on Voldemort anyways. Voldemort will proceed to chop Harry into little bits and then feed Ginny and the rest of the Weaselys to the giants. Harry is dumb so everyone loses, even Voldemort. Now he has to deal with obese giants.

Muggles to the Rescue
Voldemort gets too cocky and he steps onto the "mean streets" of New York and starts blasting random people with his wand. However, the (insert vicious gang here) are around and they won't stand for some random person without a nose "stepping foot" onto their "turf" and they whip out their "nines" and "pop" him. (Apologies if I used any terms wrong, I am not too familiar on how to use them.)

Fistfight
During an epic wand duel, Voldemort and Harry both lose their wands forever. Don't ask why. Then they have to resort to fist fighting. Harry is pretty weak but Voldemort is not much better. They fight for a long time and then Chuck Norris jumps in and round house kicks both of them. The book ends with Chuck Norris riding off into the sunset.

Voldemort turns nice
Voldemort sees the error of his ways and he is about to become a new man. He goes to Harry wandless and wants to make peace but Harry being the idiot he is kills him. Now Voldemort will be evil again and come back to hurt people. Also, the Death Eaters go into a frenzy and kill half the people in England, which probably isn't all that hard to do to be honest. Harry is caught by the Death Eaters because he never Apparates and he is drowned.

Voldemort meets a certain somebody...
Voldemort meets someone... let's just say her name starts with a "V" and ends with "ian". Voldemort dies a painful death at her hands. Details are not yet available.

The Last Battle
Harry and Voldemort meet. Harry proceeds to talk about what Voldemort never had: love. Voldemort shuts him up by using a new curse on him. A cat in the hat starts to bother Harry and when Harry tries to stun it, a pink elephant falls on him. This happens quite a few times before Harry's bones become powder and the elephants finally meander away.

Ron kills Harry!!!!!!

You read it here first!!!

Making Friends At College

We're going off to college. We have to make friends. New ones. For the people with poor memory, that means forgetting people from high school to make room for the new acquaintances. It is a sad sad thing but it is inevitable. It will be even more drastic of a change for the people who are going far away, such as to the miserable place known as the east coast. Although I myself am not very good at making friends, I have my own opinion on this matter.

There are six categories of people. I would make a chart to show you, but I do not know how to make charts and put them in here. Also, charts are for snobs. There are three types of people in the sense that some people talk a lot to everyone, some people talk a lot to only people they are friends with, and some people don't talk at all. There are two other groups. People who talk about interesting things, and people who talk about things that are not interesting.

1. Interesting/Talkative

These people are fun to be around. They talk a lot to you even if you are a stranger, and they talk about interesting things. They are the life of a party. They are who you want to hang around.

2. Interesting/Talkative to friends

These people are okay too because they are still willing to talk if you just talk to them first and introduce yourself. As long as you don't scare the grape juice out of them upon first sight, you might actually get some conversation going. These people are fun to be around too.

3. Interesting/Not Talkative

These people don't talk. But they are very interesting people because they may be all mysterious and cool looking. These people are the ones who have sunglasses on and just leaning in the corner, slowly observing the world. They are interesting, but unaccessible.

4. Not Interesting/Talkative

You want to either shoot these people, or at least cause some bodily harm to them. These people are easily distinguished by the dead bodies lying around them from people being literally bored to death. If you see them run, you can either be polite, stay, and listen, and eventually die, or you can run for your life.

5. Not Interesting/Talkative to Friends

Sucks to be their friends. That's all I can say. The only good thing that can come out of this is when a lot of not interesting people all band together and talk to each other.

6. Not Interesting/Not Talkative

This is me. Don't be like me. Don't do it.

I hope I don't meet a lot of "Not Interesting/Not Talkative" people at my college. Maybe we could all hang out and upgrade one level to "Not Interesting/Talkative to Friends" one day!

How To Write An Essay

A lot of people say that the school system is flawed. Let us assume it is. Now since the school system is flawed, I will also declare that the way we teach kids to write essays is also flawed. The first thing I learned about writing essays is to have five paragraphs. The first one is the introduction, the middle three are body points, and the last one is the conclusion. Now, I think that if you really want five paragraphs go ahead. However, the content of each section should be different. In today's post, I will cover in depth the knicks and knacks of the introduction.

The introduction is the first thing people see so you need an attention grabber. Wait no, I take that back. The title is the first thing people see. Wait wait, I take that back too. Since this is about an essay that is turned in, usually the first thing seen is the name of the writer on top of the paper. So, back to that attention grabber that is oh so important. According to my theory, the name is the first thing seen, and therefore it is where the attention grabber should be. There are a lot of different ways that you can grab attention. You can change the color of the name. You can write your name bigger. Or you can just bite the top right of the paper. Leaving teeth marks has to be an attention getter.

If you want to go with the more traditional format, put the attention getter in the first sentence. However, don't make the easy mistake of simply starting out with some form of a question. I have always wondered how teachers could handle reading question after question in the beginning of an essay. Have you ever wanted to climb a tree? Did you know that there are homosexual goats? Is there some you have always wanted but could never get because you are pitiful? Don't you ever get sick of reading questions? I blue gafunkle sinking toaster? Questions at the beginning of an essay are just too played out. They also don't really get anyone's attention. If you really wanted to get attention, the obvious thing to do is make the first 5 words size 72 font and red, while the next 5 words size 4 font and blue. Now, that is a good attention getter. I would give you an example but I don't know how.

The next few lines in the introduction should introduce the reader to what you're going to talk about. There are two ways to do this though. One is to outright state what you are going to say. This informs the reader exactly what you will say, and then they may be wowed by the way it is said. But! This takes out any suspense and if your body paragraphs are bad, then your introduction has ruined any interest in the body. So, what I propose is to confuse the reader with the introduction. Blabber, ramble, go off on tangents. Whatever it takes. Just make sure they do not know what is coming next so when they do get to your body paragraphs, they will still be trying to figure out what is going on, and thus be more interested.

If you implement my tips, you will definitely see an improvement in your writing. Or... your writing will turn out to be like mine, and you will fail all your English classes like I do. And people will also think you are crazy. But be sure to read the next post on body paragraphs!

School Spirit

At my school, school spirit is a joke. A large portion of the school does not care about it and I don't either. This Friday I presume we are supposed to wear our class colors, seniors being navy blue. We might get things called points, which go toward a class point total. Now I know this all sounds very exciting so far but there's more! At the end of the year, the winner of class points thing wins...nothing! Actually, it's more truthful to say that I don't know what they win, but I assume it's something like pride, which amounts to nothing.

This school spirit thing is really dumb. We wear the same color shirts to school and suddenly we are supposed to bond as a class and feel all united? Maybe if each class had some secret handshake and the senior class's handshake was to throw some freshman into a garbage can more people would have school spirit. Maybe if the losers had to line up in the football field while the winning class got to launch watermelons at them more people would care. But nope! We just wear shirts and some other stuff that I don't care enough about to remember. How cool!

Furthermore, who really cares about school spirit? Since there isn't any really big event tied in with "school spirit" at our school, there is no motivation for me to get into the whole concept of being associated with a bunch of losers. Seriously, our senior class kind of sucks. I know that in any large group of people there are always bound to be losers but does there have to be so many?

But back on topic. Wear navy blue on Friday!

Basketball Bullets

Just some thoughts on basketball after I played today.

• Every time someone small, short, and weak like me (so basically just me) tries to guard Jeffrey Poon, he immediately sees the mismatch. And then he lowers his shoulder and tries to cheat and force his way to the basket. Luckily we had refs so Jeffrey can't do that. Cheater.
• I am like Kobe Bryant. I am awesome.
• I can't dribble.
• I can't shoot.
• I'm more like Patrick Chu, who sucks.
• Justin is like a train. He moves back, and then charges forward. Anything in his way will be smashed. And he's not bad at rebounding either.
  
• Spencer is the luckiest player ever.
• Spencer has the ugliest shot ever.
• Spencer is also ugly.
• Arthur is Lebron James.
• Just kidding, Arthur has a hard time dribbling left.
  
• Then again, no one can really dribble anyways.
• Spencer can only dribble to the right for two bounces, then has to turn around to his left hand again. And then he can go back to the right for 2 more bounces, and so on.
  
• Jeffrey Poon keeps telling his teammates to hit people when he's losing.
• Jeffrey Ho is a silent assassin.
• Andy keeps blocking me with stupid screens.

Some photographs... all courtesy of Henry Ho the Great.

The Perfect Shot

Jeffrey Poon Dominating Justin

Justin Being Cool...and growing a 3rd hand out his head.

Andy staring in amazement at my skills.

My Movie Watching

Watching movies is a very sad affair for me. I have a few different options when it comes to seeing a movie.

1. I can download the movie when it is released in theaters. All action scenes consist of blurry figures moving around in a blurry fashion. When the battle takes place at night with ninjas fighting black bears, it gets even blurrier. If it is a chick flick, there is not much moving so it is an okay experience. But why would I want to watch a chick flick? I also hear a lot of coughing and sneezing and laughing because it is recorded by a camcorder.

2. I can wait several months, and then download the dvd rip of the movie. The quality of both video and sound is excellent, but there is no one to talk to about the movie anymore because everyone has seen it months ago.

3. I can go to the movie theater. But I always get bullied when I go out to the real world so I like to stay in my room.

4. I can rent/borrow the movie when it comes out on DVD. But I don't.

5. I can just not watch the movie. Just like how I've never seen Titanic. And how I haven't seen 300. And how I'm not going to watch Spiderman 3 until it comes out on DVD.

AP Testing

I have a problem with my upcoming AP tests. Mainly, I'm not studying, as evidenced by this post. Since the NBA playoffs are going on right now, I thought I would relate my troubles to an NBA team. For my beautiful analogy, I chose to equate myself with the Miami Heat, and mainly Shaquille O'Neal.

So after my past success with AP tests, I have settled into a passive mode for the AP tests this year. It's similar to how the Miami Heat won the NBA championship last year, and got lazy this year. They didn't really try during the regular season.

Haha, you are an AP test, and I will squash you.

That's how I felt at the beginning of the school year. I aced my other weak AP tests, and I'm going to squash the two I'm taking this year too. Physics? No problem. Econ? No problem. I am king!

Study? I don't need to study.

Once the test actually started coming up, I still refused to study. I usually start studying a month before the AP test. This year, I started studying with about 10 days before the AP test. I mean, come on, I don't need to study! I'm awesome. I can take AP tests with my eyes closed and ace them. Now, with about 3 days before my first AP test, I sense trouble. In other words, I'm screwed.

The AP test is the guy in white, and I am the guy in red.

That's what's going to happen to me on Monday when I take Physics. And Thursday too. It's gonna hurt.

That's your AP score, PUNK!

I'm going to get owned.

Decision Making

I am proud of certain skills and abilities that I have that set me apart from the rest of you clowns. I have the rare skill of being able to make smart decisions on the fly. I know that a lot of you can make good decisions, but it usually takes time. In my case, calculations in my head are instant. Ka-ching! Here's an example of my brain at work.

Here's the situation. It's after 5th period, and it's 1:40. I have two options. Wait until 2:30 for a ride home, or start walking home. It takes me 18 minutes to walk home. If I walk home, I get to get started in my daily routine of slacking off and procrastination about 30 minutes earlier. However, it is very hot. If I choose to wait, I will have to somehow burn 50 minutes waiting. I also have no friends so waiting for 50 minutes is a very long and boring task. I calculated the opportunity costs and graphed the aggregate demand and supply graphs, and found the multiplier effect and crowding out balances. Then I chose to walk home with my good buddy Alex Fu.

As expected, it took 20 minutes. I walk up my steps, a tired blob. I look forward to getting into my house and sipping on some cool milk. And then my fast moving brain hits a wall. I forgot my keys in the house.

So I end up sitting in my backyard for 30 minutes thinking about how great my decision making skills are. I'm awesome.