Spring Break: Day 4

A slow day today. Played the PIG equivalent of HORSE with my brother. It started out well. We went back and forth on a variety of different shots, including a few turnaround jumpers. My brother had read my blog and knew about my weakness concerning free throws so he exploited that to get me my first letter. I eventually lost P-I-G to nothing, but I am satisfied.

Spring Break: Day 2

Today I ventured once more to the harsh, unforgiving courts of my local middle school. Today was about redemption. Records, not one’s will, are meant to be broken. However, the twist in this story appears quite early. While I was still doing my usual warmup, someone came up to me and introduced himself. I shall call him Charlie from UC Davis, or just Charlie for short.

Charlie seems like a cool guy. Charlie is also quite fearless. There was a group of 10 mini-Hulks playing basketball. They were all about 6 feet tall, and had arms the size of my head. They reminded me of Michael Jordan’s opponents in the movie Space Jam. Charlie from UC Davis asked if I wanted to try to get in on a game with them. He said it would just be for fun, but I do not see the fun in having the ball ricochet from someone’s hand and into my face.   I was very hesitant but I said yes. I still do not know why I said yes. Perhaps I was feeling reckless with my life. Fortunately for my livelihood, the mini-Hulks were playing their last game. I know that they were not lying to spare our feelings because they left soon afterwards.

Me and Charlie decided to play with some other people instead. They were two years younger than me, and they annoyed me because they were all better than I was. We first played 3’s, which was alright. Then, more of their friends came and we decided to play fours, to 21.

My team lost, and I feel I am partially to blame. I usually like to exaggerate because it makes things more amazing but what I say next is not an exaggeration. I played horribly. I had about 10 layup attempts, and one of them went in. I shot 3 baseline jumpers, and two of them were airballs and one of them was blocked. I had about 10 turnovers. They started calling me Ben Wallace, but that is not accurate because Ben Wallace can make layups sometimes. Once I got the ball and was wide open to take a 3 pointer. Two of my teammates frantically bellowed at me to take the 3. I usually do not take 3 pointers because I am very bad at them, but that time I succumbed to peer pressure. It hit the backboard and then hit someone’s head.

At least it was fun because I knew one person there, even though I had only known Charlie from UC Davis for about an hour and I will probably never see him again.

Spring Break: Day 1

Everyone laughs at Shaquille O’Neal for being so bad at shooting free throws. I sometimes feel sorry for him, but then I remember that he was born huge and gets paid millions to be huge so I stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for myself. I then join in the derision of his free throw shooting. But is it really fair of me to laugh at him? Can I shoot better than Shaq? I set out to find out.

I went out to the local middle school to begin my challenge. I started warming up like I always do, with a free throw. It was an airball. This one was not to count in my overall percentage. I then took an assortment of jumpers, many of which did not go in. There were many people around, both young and old. I could feel their laughter, even though it was silent. I yelled back, silently.

After my warmup, I began my lengthy trial. The setup was simple enough. Shoot 100 free throws. Shaq is shooting 49.6% this season. I was actually not aware of his season average until I started writing this so I was gunning for his career average. 52.7% for his career. 53 free throws and I get bragging rights, as minimal as they may be.

Things started out alright. I am not the best free throw shooter ever. I am not even second best. I would place myself somewhere between ‘not that good’, and ‘better than someone who has never touched a basketball’. After 30 heaves toward the rim, I had gotten 15 shots in. On one hand, I was pleased that I had made 15 more than I had anticipated, but ultimately 50% is not a great number. I decided to, as they say, ‘flip the switch’.

The switch either was not flipped or was utterly useless, even as a placebo. After 10 more shots, for a total of 40, I had made 20. Same percentage as before, but still within striking distance of my goal.

Many shots later, the landscape had not changed. I stood at a 40 for 80 mark. Not great, but once again, the target was still reachable. Shaq always says he makes them when it counts (he doesn’t), and I had to do the same. I needed to shoot 65% the rest of the way. This is where this changes from an inspiring, uplifting story, to a tale of despair and sadness.

Bottom line? I shot 5 for 20 the rest of the way. 45 for 100 overall.

But all is not lost. Here is a list of a few of the more notable NBA players that have a lower free throw percentage than I do.

Andris Biedrins (4-25, 16%), Kwame Brown (29-81, 35.8%), DeAndre Jordan (38-102, 37.3%), Ben Wallace (55-141, 39%)

While I may have failed today, I can’t overreact to this. Today I may be a 45% free throw shooter, but tomorrow I may be shooting 25% on 3 pointers instead. You just never know with these things.

Twitter Uses

I can imagine many good uses for Twitter. Pretend that Jack Bauer from the show 24 is hiding from baddies and needs to get help. Well, he can’t just whip out his cell phone and call for help because people will hear him. He can whip out his cell phone and send out a tweet though. “Hlp, hiding in dumpster, send backup" This is better than a text message because one simple tweet could reach multiple people.

I can also imagine many silly ways to use Twitter. Unfortunately for everyone, some of these silly uses have already been imagined and used.

That’s right — both Geoff Johns and Jim Lee will be reading FIRST WAVE #1 on Wednesday, and you can share the experience with them on Twitter, where you can tweet your thoughts and comments to the superstar creators and hear what they think as they flip from page to page.

First Wave is the name of a new comic book series. Imagine the fun you’ll have when you read what these other people have to say about reading! Perhaps these two writers have some valuable insight, but I find it doubtful. Here are some sample tweets that I came up with.

• Wow. Cool pictures
• I flipped a page
• I could have wrote that dialogue better
• I get paid to do this. Don’t you wish you were me
• Flipped a page

Opposite Day

“Can I borrow a dollar?”

“Yes. But it’s opposite day, so HAHAHA”

Everyone knows about opposite day, the day that exists whenever someone feels like being annoying and unfunny. The idea of opposite day is simple: yes means no and no means yes. And yet, it’s not truly that simple.

Let’s start with the sentence “We declared war.”

The simple translation would be “We declared peace.”

Let’s go a few steps deeper though.

Declare means to announce officially.

So, “We unofficially announce war.”

Or, “We officially keep secret our intentions of war.”

Or, “We keep secret our unofficial intentions of war.”

We can even opposite day the first word too.

“You people declare war.”

Or, “I declare war.”

Or, “Everyone but us declares war.”

Put it all together and you could get something like “Everyone but us is keeping secret their unofficial intentions of peace.”

If you said that to someone and they were to un-opposite it in a simple way, they might come up with “Everyone declared war on us.” Uh oh.