I seem to have lost my new years predictions for 2007 so I'll just skip the review of the year and get to next year's resolutions. Also, some people seem to have a problem with the idea that people only decide to better themselves when a new year comes, which is quite an arbitrary date. But I say, who cares? If it helps someone make changes when does it matter when you start? Unless you're part of the 98% of the population that sticks to their resolutions for an average of 3 milliseconds.
Per tradition, I'll have 5 and 5.
1. Adult males are composed of about 60% water. I am not content with being average, so I will aim to be 50% greater than everyone else and be 90% water.
2. Become all powerful, if only so I can blow stuff up with my mind.
3. Find some way to be able to absorb things. Think of the possibilities! If you're hungry, you don't need to spend time chewing. Just let your tummy absorb it. If you have contacts, just have your eyeballs absorb them so you have good vision forever. If you're really big and there's this midget that's bothering you, just absorb them!
4. Grow a moustache that rivals Mario's, and then win the coveted Sexiest 'Stache of the Year award.
5. Release a hit song thats similar to "This is why I'm hot", "Party like a Rockstar", "Crank that", or some other equally retarded song. There's a couple of nice benefits. I'd make a couple million. I'd get to hear my song in clubs and all over the radio. And best of all, when I walk around outside all the stupid girls that like these songs will faint from excitement when they see me. When they faint and crumple to the hard stone floor, they'll hurt themselves. I'm just trying to help out with our population problem.
1. Boost up my self-esteem... or so people tell me.
2. Right now I'm skinny like a twig. I should become something more like a branch.
3. Be a nice person and do nice things for nice people.
4. Learn how to spell.
5. Figure out who I am.
Happy New Years!!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
I've Lost The "Funny"
This is my first post on this blog in over three months. There is a reason for this. It is not because I was kidnapped by fat people, although they would have good reason to try and hurt me because I make fun of fat people so much. It is not because I was overwhelmed by school, because in reality I "owned that shit". It is not because I am lazy, although I really am quite lazy. In fact, if you challenged me to a laziness contest, I would beat you by not even responding to your challenge and just staring off into space. The real reason that I have not posted in a long while is that I have lost the funny. I know that some of you, or even many of you will say in your head "Haha! You were never funny!", but you know what? The people who think that are just haters. They're boring dull haters who can't appreciate the genius that is my blog posts. In fact, when I win the Nobel Peace Prize for amazingness, they'll all see that they were wrong.
I was looking back at my old posts, and I found them to be quite funny. Not everyone will find it funny, and most likely people who don't know me won't find them funny at all, but the most important thing is that I think they are funny. I like making lists, so I have a list of reasons and theories as to why I have lost the funny.
1. Someone stole it.
We live in the twentysomething century. Things are very different now. Everything can be stolen. If someone can steal your identity, and being funny is a subset of your identity, it follows that your funny can be stolen. Well, this may have happened to me. My jokes that normally would have people slapping their knees while rolling on the ground like they're having a seizure now generate weird looks. Now people even outright tell me that I'm weird. The sad thing is that I don't have any retorts except for calling them fat, but that has its limitations. You don't really want to apply the label fat to someone who truly is fat, because then they would squash you like a bug. If you call someone who isn't fat fat, it doesn't really matter. The only time it really works is if you find a really insecure girl who always worries about her weight. Even worse, if you found some girl who is trying to gain weight, the insult would totally backfire. But that kind of girl would just be weird. Getting back on point though, once its stolen, you can't really get it back. It is just like a credit card. Once it is stolen, you can cancel it, but you'll never get it back. Note to self: Make better analogies.
2. I ran out of funny.
Perhaps humor is something that has a quantity. Maybe we all have a certain amount of humor, and our brains usually have a working mechanism that rations one's humor so one's funniness will stay constant throughout life. Maybe I am defective regarding this mechanism, and I was just using all my humor at once, and now it is all gone. Or perhaps when I was instantiated as a baby there was a mistake and I started out a deficient amount of humor. This is all very theoretical so basically I can say this is right and you have no way to prove me wrong.
3. Everyone around me is boring.
I kind of like this one because I get to shift the blame to other people now. It makes me feel much better knowing that it isn't my fault. I draw my ideas and inspiration from what I see in my everyday life, so it is pretty logical to say that if everything around me is dull, then I won't have many interesting things to spit out. So, I blame everyone I know for my downfall. I hope you're happy, because I sure am not. I need to move to somewhere funny, like Canada because Canadians are always funny. Or maybe Africa. Will Smith is pretty funny and he's black right?
4. I've become emo.
Emo people aren't ever funny because they're always too busy thinking about how emo they are and how nice it feels to be emo. Just kidding though. The day I become emo is the day I stop making fun of fat people. The only way I'd become emo is if elephants randomly popped out of the sky and fell on me every 3 minutes, because then life would truly suck.
Conclusion
There's probably a lot more crazy reasons, but by this point the question arises, why post now? Well, if I haven't said this before, I only post when I feel like procrastinating. Before I start to do any sort of work/studying, I run through a procrastination checklist. I ran out of other options so this was a last resort. As a side note, I recommend that everyone have a procrastination checklist in mind, so you'll be able to procrastinate at a much more efficient level. I'll leave you with a thought provoking question.
Why is there no negative equivalent to the absolute value sign? Why are we promoting only positive numbers? What if someone really liked negative numbers?
I was looking back at my old posts, and I found them to be quite funny. Not everyone will find it funny, and most likely people who don't know me won't find them funny at all, but the most important thing is that I think they are funny. I like making lists, so I have a list of reasons and theories as to why I have lost the funny.
1. Someone stole it.
We live in the twentysomething century. Things are very different now. Everything can be stolen. If someone can steal your identity, and being funny is a subset of your identity, it follows that your funny can be stolen. Well, this may have happened to me. My jokes that normally would have people slapping their knees while rolling on the ground like they're having a seizure now generate weird looks. Now people even outright tell me that I'm weird. The sad thing is that I don't have any retorts except for calling them fat, but that has its limitations. You don't really want to apply the label fat to someone who truly is fat, because then they would squash you like a bug. If you call someone who isn't fat fat, it doesn't really matter. The only time it really works is if you find a really insecure girl who always worries about her weight. Even worse, if you found some girl who is trying to gain weight, the insult would totally backfire. But that kind of girl would just be weird. Getting back on point though, once its stolen, you can't really get it back. It is just like a credit card. Once it is stolen, you can cancel it, but you'll never get it back. Note to self: Make better analogies.
2. I ran out of funny.
Perhaps humor is something that has a quantity. Maybe we all have a certain amount of humor, and our brains usually have a working mechanism that rations one's humor so one's funniness will stay constant throughout life. Maybe I am defective regarding this mechanism, and I was just using all my humor at once, and now it is all gone. Or perhaps when I was instantiated as a baby there was a mistake and I started out a deficient amount of humor. This is all very theoretical so basically I can say this is right and you have no way to prove me wrong.
3. Everyone around me is boring.
I kind of like this one because I get to shift the blame to other people now. It makes me feel much better knowing that it isn't my fault. I draw my ideas and inspiration from what I see in my everyday life, so it is pretty logical to say that if everything around me is dull, then I won't have many interesting things to spit out. So, I blame everyone I know for my downfall. I hope you're happy, because I sure am not. I need to move to somewhere funny, like Canada because Canadians are always funny. Or maybe Africa. Will Smith is pretty funny and he's black right?
4. I've become emo.
Emo people aren't ever funny because they're always too busy thinking about how emo they are and how nice it feels to be emo. Just kidding though. The day I become emo is the day I stop making fun of fat people. The only way I'd become emo is if elephants randomly popped out of the sky and fell on me every 3 minutes, because then life would truly suck.
Conclusion
There's probably a lot more crazy reasons, but by this point the question arises, why post now? Well, if I haven't said this before, I only post when I feel like procrastinating. Before I start to do any sort of work/studying, I run through a procrastination checklist. I ran out of other options so this was a last resort. As a side note, I recommend that everyone have a procrastination checklist in mind, so you'll be able to procrastinate at a much more efficient level. I'll leave you with a thought provoking question.
Why is there no negative equivalent to the absolute value sign? Why are we promoting only positive numbers? What if someone really liked negative numbers?
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