An Engineer's Guide to Dressing Awesome

As an EECS (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science) major, it comes at no surprise when I say that not many of my colleagues dress as handsome as I do. If you've read my last post you'll have learned how to actually meet a girl. After this initial step, you'll probably want to clean yourself up, especially if you fall into the category of "engineer" or "nerd" or even "Asian."

Although I enjoy being the "hottest" of all my friends, since I'm a good guy I will help you out. The one main thing you have to remember is - wear tighter clothes. This applies to shirts, jackets, pants, socks, shoes, underwear... as long as your body shape is not like a potato or a noodle. Now I know what you're thinking. If you dress too well people might make the wrong assumptions about your sexual orientation. But don't worry, there's a delicate balance that I have already discovered for you.

How to wear tight pants -

Too loose --> Hot (I pretty much look like this) --> Gay

And with hoodies -

Oversized --> Perfect fit --> Gay

Are you beginning to see the pattern?

Too big --> Yummy --> Checkerboard (gay)
(notice how the gay one always has some non-neutral color, like red/pink/orange/blue/green/yellow)

If it's too hard for you to tell what constitutes "tight", you can always go down a size. For example, if you're normally a M, get a S. If you're a L, get a M. If you're a XL, go work out until you can fit into a M.

After you start dressing awesome your jealous friends might be like "Hey bro why are you wearing girl's clothes?" If this happens, just make up an expression you can use that will make them feel fat. After you give them that face, tell them you're not wearing tight clothes, they're "fitted" clothes. Another good idea is to practice some stances where the sunlight hits you at all the right places and makes you so attractive they have nothing to say (I've used this perhaps one or twelve times... it always works).

But of course, who cares what they say! Fashion is for you to express your individuality (or to get girls). Now that you've mastered the basics, you can also add in a few accessories:

Cardigan --> Blazer --> Man-purse
(btw these are all good poses to practice too)

This was actually a post by Coni, posing as Chubbers. Check out her blog and my corresponding post here

How To Meet Girls

This is a post to guys, but girls are welcome to read it too and talk about how wrong, incorrect, and handsome I am.

 

On any given day, you may see a girl that just catches your eye. Within a nanosecond of registering her presence, crazy thoughts start to run through your head. You go, “Hot diggity, that girl looks hawt”, or “Pee diddly doo, what a qt”, or if we want to kid ourselves here, “Wowzers, that girl looks like she has a great personality.” The next step requires you to actually go over and meet them to get the ball rolling to your one night stand, two night stand, marriage and divorce, or whatever else suits you.

If you want to get her attention, but you don’t want to do any work, the easiest thing to do is just stare. Staring works better than you might think. Even in a large room with many people, there’s a good chance she’ll eventually see your large, unwavering, piercing eyes. To put it simply, this is because she is a girl. A girl looks around every 5 seconds to find out A) if there any hot guys around, and B) if anybody has noticed her yet. While this staring method is extremely easy to do, the results are sort of hit and miss. Many will feel threatened by your calm demeanor and aura of coolness and try to leave in a hurry. If that happens, just move on to your next target.

If you see this wonderful girl while she is sitting down somewhere, you also have the option of being random and sitting down next to her. If you have a high enough charisma level, you can avoid the awkward initial conversation of “Who the eff are you?” and move on to the good stuff. However, if she’s saving that seat for someone else, even a high charisma skill level won’t save you there. This move takes some guts but it’s not guaranteed either.

If actually making a move seems too risky to your fragile ego, then you could always try to make them come to you. Be mysterious. Do mysterious things. Wear sunglasses indoors. Stare off into space wistfully. Talk to people with your backs to each other, like in anime. Type out smiley faces backwards like (: . You know, just do silly things. It might get her to come over.

If you happen to find out her name, there’s another move you can make. Find out who she knows, and add them on facebook. Once you’ve added enough of her friends (while they all go ‘who is this guy?’), you’ll show up on her list of “People you may know”. Then, you sit and wait. Eventually, when she is really bored and/or lonely, she may just add you.

As a last resort, you could play the pity card. Get hit by a car while in front of her. If she’s any sort of human being, she’ll help you. Even better, get hit by a car that she’s driving. The guilt will help you two bond.

Comments

There are two parts to every post on this blog. There's the wonderful post by yours truly, and the mediocre comments by you peoples. (Disclaimer: I love comments gimme more.)

I've taken the time to categorize the comments that appear on this blog of mine.

Relation to Self

These comments take a line from my post, and relate it to the commenter’s own life. For example, if I made a post about giraffes and mentioned their blue tongue this would be a potential comment.

“I have a tongue too! Funny story actually… BLAH BLAH BLAH … tongue… BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Looking Smart

Another type of commenter loves to make themselves feel smart, so they’ll try to show off at every possible moment.

“There are actually 365.25 days in a year, not 365.”

“Actually, giraffes have blue tongues because… BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Debates

Some comments found on blogs serve as a launch pad into a discussion/debate about something related to the original post. These are usually the most intelligent comments. These are not found on this blog. There are no intelligent comments here.

Praise

There are comments that heap praise onto my posts. These comments are also called lies. If I don’t think about it too hard though, I believe they are true and then I feel good about myself.

Criticism

You will not find these comments here. I delete all of them right away.

Being Witty

I understand these comments. My posts are witty. You feel inspired to be witty too. You produce a one liner that displays your level of…wit. And yet, this can sometime backfire. This comment is taken from the previous post about giraffes.

The response isn’t pretty. The lesson here? Don’t try to be witty if you’re not. And make sure no one knows who you are if try anyway.

(I’m just kidding frostecstasy! Happy Birthday!)

Giraffes (featuring Henry Ho!!)

Giraffes. Why talk about giraffes? Well, they are a very underrated species (whatever that means). When you tell someone to think of a giraffe, most people will just imagine some yellow thing with a really long neck. That’s correct of course, but there is much more than meets the eye.

Giraffes are born with many gifts, the most obvious of which is their height. The average giraffe at birth is 6 feet tall. This means that with a few exceptions (runts and midgets) the average baby giraffe is already taller than I am. Do you realize how unfair this is? I have spent many many years consuming nutrients to make my body grow taller, and yet giraffes are instantly taller than I will ever be. The only negative of this is that it’s a tall drop from the butt of a giraffe to the ground, so when the baby is born, it probably receives brain damage from the impact.

Another gift they have is having a blue tongue. Don’t believe me? Take a look yourself.

So what exactly is so good about this, you might ask. And I might give you an example. Let’s say some animal calls an animal meeting because there is animal business to be taken care of. The first important issue is … who ate all the blueberry ice cream. Now do you see? The giraffe can get away with this atrocious crime because it’s tongue is already blue! Genius. If I was the one who ate all the blueberry ice cream, my tongue would be blue, which is an unnatural color for my tongue, and then the other animals in the animal meeting would trample me to death.

Giraffes can also run up to 55km/hr (taken from wikipedia so they use the un-American km… speaking of which, we Americans should have our own unit of time too since we like being different). Usain Bolt had to work hard to run 9.69 m/s. A giraffe can run about 15 m/s. How hard did the giraffe train? Nil. Zilch. The world is so unfair.

Usain Bolt vs Baby Giraffe

It’s already clear that giraffes are very awesome at birth. The fun doesn’t stop there however. They partake in something called necking. For us humans, necking only means kissing, which is cool if you’re into that kind of thing. If you’re into something more testosterone filled, you only have to look at the giraffe version of necking. Get this. Their version of necking involves taking their necks and swinging them at each other’s necks in order to do battle. That beats kissing any day in my book. It’s important to note that necking has a sexual purpose too. Taken from Wikipedia : “Another function of necking is sexual, in which two males caress and court each other, leading up to mounting and climax. Such interactions between males are more frequent than heterosexual coupling.”

I know that I’ve painted a perfect picture for the life of a giraffe, but things aren’t always so dandy. Here’s a narrative from a giraffe (by HENRY HO!!!!!!!!).

Recently being a giraffe is not enough for me. Living everyday, voiced over by Ross, looking weird drinking water, running around day after day as awkward as a stick figure; I feel like a stick figure, existing in two dimensions. Oh, being a giraffe is all that I can be. I hate my existence. Sometimes I would be reaching for a leave high up in the trees just to realize that leaves are all that I can eat because no fruit grows this fricking high. I exist in such a two dimensional world. Oh... what is beyond eating leaves all day. One good thing that happened today: a lion finally got that itch I have not being able to get when she jumped on my back and started chewing on me. Yes, sometimes I think about killing myself, but the lion usually falls off and kills herself in the process of trying to kill me, and my longass neck makes it extremely difficult for me to kill myself. Yay me, I can get the highest leaf in the forest.

Even giraffes can be sad.

Kobe Bryant

I’m a big fan of Kobe Bryant. When I found this picture of Kobe, Lebron James, and Carmelo Anthony, I set it as my desktop wallpaper.

Now it’s a pretty good picture but it could be improved. For one, if I had to choose the top 3 players from the olympic squad, I’d have to go with Dwayne Wade instead of Carmelo. Also, if I had to go with people who aren’t arrogant pickle faces, I’d take out the ugly dude on the right and replace him with a care bear. So I got a brilliant idea and edited the picture a bit.

3 KOBES!!!!!!!