Christmas

I wish I was able to give everyone I know a gift for Christmas. I really do. It is nice to receive gifts too. Giving may be better than receiving but giving *and* receiving is even better.

When I give a gift to someone, I feel good about it. I spent time and brain power in choosing out a gift. It is good to see that effort pay off. More importantly though, they now owe me. If you didn’t give me a gift, they owe me even more. I don’t know what it’ll turn into but I hear if I accumulate enough favors, then I’ll get an extra life. Or maybe that was gold coins. The only time I don’t feel good about giving gifts is when the other person doesn’t seem to like it at all. This usually isn’t a problem though because most people are nice enough to at least fake it. (Wowzers! Shoelaces! Exactly what I wanted…!”)

If I ever am lucky enough to have kids, things will get even better. I’ll be able to boss them around and threaten them with the absence of presents to make them do things. And they’ll have to listen or there will be no more Christmas.

So here I am talking about how much I like to give gifts, which might lead you to wonder why you didn’t get a gift from me. Well, the short answer is that I don’t like you. The real answer is that I don’t know what people would like. I have found that I usually miss and get people junk (shoelaces). I suck at choosing gifts. I feel awkward giving sucky gifts to people.

While I still haven’t gotten my bazooka or flamethrower, I got a lot of gifts this year. Every one of my friends has given me the gift of friendship. A bazooka would still be better but I’m not complaining.

Putting things off

Whenever you want to put something off, you need to justify a reason to yourself. Anything will work as long as you have low standards. Here are some examples you can use.

• Eh, tomorrow is a new day.
• Eh, it’s Christmas Eve.
• Eh… eh.

I am using all 3 of those to justify not really making a post today.

Grinch

The Grinch is a fool. He stole all the presents right? And then what does he do? HE GIVES IT BACK? Are you kidding me? If he was able to pull of this kind of job all alone, he could be doing this to like 5-6 big cities in a week. Think of all the presents he’d be getting. Think of all the money he could make. Money may not buy happiness, but money does buy cars and bling bling. And we’re probably not even getting the full story. Once he returned the presents, what happened? Sure they were all happy together for a bit. But come New Years, who wants a green furry guy walking around in their town? People are way racist and they probably chained him up and threw him in some hole.

Man. The grinch. What. A. Fool.

Persuasion

I am moderately skilled in the art of subtle persuasion. I thought I’d put it to the test by trying to get someone to invite me over to play their PS3. Here’s how it went over AIM.

Me: hey
Not Me: hey
Me: how's your ps3
Not Me: rsting :D
Me: you know, i've always wanted to play a ps3
Me: i bet it's rly fun huh
Me: man
Not Me: LOL
Me: i wonder what it's like
Me: hey, we actually live kinda close dont' we
Not Me: lolol
Not Me: yea cept u forgot
Not Me: i look like a deformed chipmunk still

At this point, I just gave up due to uncontrollable laughter. If I continued though, there’s a chance that I would have succeeded. And you know what they say, no chance is worse than some chance.

How To Make An Interesting Blog Post

A lot of people have extremely boring blogs. Here’s an example. Why be boring? It is really easy to talk about something interesting. Here’s how.

The easiest thing to do is just talk about your day. I’ll take you through the process. Here is a bare bones version of my day.

I got a haircut today. I then played basketball.

This is not very interesting. What we have to do next is add a few interesting details. Keyword: Interesting.

I got a very interesting haircut today. Interestingly enough, I then played basketball.

No, not like that!

I got a haircut today. It is too short now. I then played basketball in the dark and rain.

Now that is a bit better, but we need to make the story have some bang. Throw in some stories, make things up if you have to. Just try not to go overboard with the lies or people will stop paying attention, just like the kid who cried wolf.

I got a haircut today. I went to a new place in town. The barber’s name was Sweeney Todd, which I found to be quite an uncommon name. He cut my hair very short. I have been told that I look like Joey Li, which I think may be a bad thing.

I then went to play basketball with a few friends. It started raining but we kept at it. We saw Lebron James and he asked to play a game with us. We politely declined. He then said ‘Do you know who I am?’. We threw several responses to him, including ‘LeBrick’, ‘King Crab Dribble’, ‘The Chubby One’, and ‘No I don’t’. We then ignored him. It then started getting dark so we coudln’t see him anymore and continued playing. 

And there you have it. An interesting story that’s based on my day. Simple as pie.

Laugh Now

What’s the point of a laugh track? Sure, they’re good for the show, but do they really do anything for the viewers? Having a laugh track in a show means two things. The jokes aren’t good enough so they need to feed you simulated laughter. Of course this can’t be the real reason because that would mean the writers are the one who wrote the jokes, and it is never their fault. So the next possible reason is that they think you are too dumb and do not know when to laugh. If they could, they would have you buy a neon sign attachment for your television that would light up every time they wanted you to laugh.

But why are there only laugh tracks? How about something new, like a cry track? When an especially sad scene comes on, you hear multiple people sobbing their hearts out. Or a shock track? When something disgusting, like 2 girls 1 cup, is being shown you hear people yelling out in disgust. Maybe even have one or two sounds of people barfing.

I did manage to come up with something good about laugh tracks. If you’re watching a show alone, it might be nice to get that feeling you’re watching with other people. However, if this actually affects you like this, you’re probably super lonely.

Now all I need is a comment track that makes people comment.

The Beginning of an Epic

The title of this post is misleading. I wanted to grab your attention, but now I follow up by making it clear that is false advertising.

I plan on making one post a day, throughout this winter break. Probability of it happening? Low. Probability that the posts will degenerate into mindless blabbering? High.

Here’s a quick little something to start off the morning. I saw a “fan page” (is that what you call it?) on facebook titled “I didn’t trip, I was testing gravity, it still works.” Pretty hilarious right? I tried changing it up a bit and this is what I came up with.

“I didn’t fail my class, I was testing for grade inflation, it still doesn’t exist.”

The Ugly Duckling

For no good (or bad) reason, I was thinking about the ugly duckling story. Now the question is, would you rather be the ugly duckling(aka swan), or one of the normal ducklings. On the surface it seems that this question can be simplified. Would you rather fit in right away, or endure some hardships and later become something grand and amazing.

Here’s what I think. Don’t be a swan. There’s just too many uncertainties. Why was the ugly duckling abandoned by its parents? Was it crippled? Also, without swan parents, the ugly duckling will not learn the essentials of being a swan. It will instead partake in duck-like actions, which may or may not be beneficial to a swan. Example. Ducks like to quack and walk around relatively close to humans. If a swan did this, they would be picked up by a hungry fellow and cooked for dinner.

And what about the psychological effect? The ugly duckling may be mentally scarred by the time it attains it’s swan status. It’s almost similar to thinking you’re a girl for your whole life and then finding out you’re a boy. The mental damage from being teased and bullied during childhood can’t be ignored either. The ugly duckling may very well not even make it to adulthood.

Even if the ugly ducking does get to the point where it is a majestic swan, what’s next? It has no friends, unless you consider the now inferior ducks friends. And even if it considers the duck enemies, it’s not exactly well equipped to take on a whole swarm of ducks in a fight to the death.

There are just too many known unknowns in addition to the unknown unknowns to be a ugly duckling.

An Engineer's Guide to Dressing Awesome

As an EECS (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science) major, it comes at no surprise when I say that not many of my colleagues dress as handsome as I do. If you've read my last post you'll have learned how to actually meet a girl. After this initial step, you'll probably want to clean yourself up, especially if you fall into the category of "engineer" or "nerd" or even "Asian."

Although I enjoy being the "hottest" of all my friends, since I'm a good guy I will help you out. The one main thing you have to remember is - wear tighter clothes. This applies to shirts, jackets, pants, socks, shoes, underwear... as long as your body shape is not like a potato or a noodle. Now I know what you're thinking. If you dress too well people might make the wrong assumptions about your sexual orientation. But don't worry, there's a delicate balance that I have already discovered for you.

How to wear tight pants -

Too loose --> Hot (I pretty much look like this) --> Gay

And with hoodies -

Oversized --> Perfect fit --> Gay

Are you beginning to see the pattern?

Too big --> Yummy --> Checkerboard (gay)
(notice how the gay one always has some non-neutral color, like red/pink/orange/blue/green/yellow)

If it's too hard for you to tell what constitutes "tight", you can always go down a size. For example, if you're normally a M, get a S. If you're a L, get a M. If you're a XL, go work out until you can fit into a M.

After you start dressing awesome your jealous friends might be like "Hey bro why are you wearing girl's clothes?" If this happens, just make up an expression you can use that will make them feel fat. After you give them that face, tell them you're not wearing tight clothes, they're "fitted" clothes. Another good idea is to practice some stances where the sunlight hits you at all the right places and makes you so attractive they have nothing to say (I've used this perhaps one or twelve times... it always works).

But of course, who cares what they say! Fashion is for you to express your individuality (or to get girls). Now that you've mastered the basics, you can also add in a few accessories:

Cardigan --> Blazer --> Man-purse
(btw these are all good poses to practice too)

This was actually a post by Coni, posing as Chubbers. Check out her blog and my corresponding post here

How To Meet Girls

This is a post to guys, but girls are welcome to read it too and talk about how wrong, incorrect, and handsome I am.

 

On any given day, you may see a girl that just catches your eye. Within a nanosecond of registering her presence, crazy thoughts start to run through your head. You go, “Hot diggity, that girl looks hawt”, or “Pee diddly doo, what a qt”, or if we want to kid ourselves here, “Wowzers, that girl looks like she has a great personality.” The next step requires you to actually go over and meet them to get the ball rolling to your one night stand, two night stand, marriage and divorce, or whatever else suits you.

If you want to get her attention, but you don’t want to do any work, the easiest thing to do is just stare. Staring works better than you might think. Even in a large room with many people, there’s a good chance she’ll eventually see your large, unwavering, piercing eyes. To put it simply, this is because she is a girl. A girl looks around every 5 seconds to find out A) if there any hot guys around, and B) if anybody has noticed her yet. While this staring method is extremely easy to do, the results are sort of hit and miss. Many will feel threatened by your calm demeanor and aura of coolness and try to leave in a hurry. If that happens, just move on to your next target.

If you see this wonderful girl while she is sitting down somewhere, you also have the option of being random and sitting down next to her. If you have a high enough charisma level, you can avoid the awkward initial conversation of “Who the eff are you?” and move on to the good stuff. However, if she’s saving that seat for someone else, even a high charisma skill level won’t save you there. This move takes some guts but it’s not guaranteed either.

If actually making a move seems too risky to your fragile ego, then you could always try to make them come to you. Be mysterious. Do mysterious things. Wear sunglasses indoors. Stare off into space wistfully. Talk to people with your backs to each other, like in anime. Type out smiley faces backwards like (: . You know, just do silly things. It might get her to come over.

If you happen to find out her name, there’s another move you can make. Find out who she knows, and add them on facebook. Once you’ve added enough of her friends (while they all go ‘who is this guy?’), you’ll show up on her list of “People you may know”. Then, you sit and wait. Eventually, when she is really bored and/or lonely, she may just add you.

As a last resort, you could play the pity card. Get hit by a car while in front of her. If she’s any sort of human being, she’ll help you. Even better, get hit by a car that she’s driving. The guilt will help you two bond.

Comments

There are two parts to every post on this blog. There's the wonderful post by yours truly, and the mediocre comments by you peoples. (Disclaimer: I love comments gimme more.)

I've taken the time to categorize the comments that appear on this blog of mine.

Relation to Self

These comments take a line from my post, and relate it to the commenter’s own life. For example, if I made a post about giraffes and mentioned their blue tongue this would be a potential comment.

“I have a tongue too! Funny story actually… BLAH BLAH BLAH … tongue… BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Looking Smart

Another type of commenter loves to make themselves feel smart, so they’ll try to show off at every possible moment.

“There are actually 365.25 days in a year, not 365.”

“Actually, giraffes have blue tongues because… BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Debates

Some comments found on blogs serve as a launch pad into a discussion/debate about something related to the original post. These are usually the most intelligent comments. These are not found on this blog. There are no intelligent comments here.

Praise

There are comments that heap praise onto my posts. These comments are also called lies. If I don’t think about it too hard though, I believe they are true and then I feel good about myself.

Criticism

You will not find these comments here. I delete all of them right away.

Being Witty

I understand these comments. My posts are witty. You feel inspired to be witty too. You produce a one liner that displays your level of…wit. And yet, this can sometime backfire. This comment is taken from the previous post about giraffes.

The response isn’t pretty. The lesson here? Don’t try to be witty if you’re not. And make sure no one knows who you are if try anyway.

(I’m just kidding frostecstasy! Happy Birthday!)

Giraffes (featuring Henry Ho!!)

Giraffes. Why talk about giraffes? Well, they are a very underrated species (whatever that means). When you tell someone to think of a giraffe, most people will just imagine some yellow thing with a really long neck. That’s correct of course, but there is much more than meets the eye.

Giraffes are born with many gifts, the most obvious of which is their height. The average giraffe at birth is 6 feet tall. This means that with a few exceptions (runts and midgets) the average baby giraffe is already taller than I am. Do you realize how unfair this is? I have spent many many years consuming nutrients to make my body grow taller, and yet giraffes are instantly taller than I will ever be. The only negative of this is that it’s a tall drop from the butt of a giraffe to the ground, so when the baby is born, it probably receives brain damage from the impact.

Another gift they have is having a blue tongue. Don’t believe me? Take a look yourself.

So what exactly is so good about this, you might ask. And I might give you an example. Let’s say some animal calls an animal meeting because there is animal business to be taken care of. The first important issue is … who ate all the blueberry ice cream. Now do you see? The giraffe can get away with this atrocious crime because it’s tongue is already blue! Genius. If I was the one who ate all the blueberry ice cream, my tongue would be blue, which is an unnatural color for my tongue, and then the other animals in the animal meeting would trample me to death.

Giraffes can also run up to 55km/hr (taken from wikipedia so they use the un-American km… speaking of which, we Americans should have our own unit of time too since we like being different). Usain Bolt had to work hard to run 9.69 m/s. A giraffe can run about 15 m/s. How hard did the giraffe train? Nil. Zilch. The world is so unfair.

Usain Bolt vs Baby Giraffe

It’s already clear that giraffes are very awesome at birth. The fun doesn’t stop there however. They partake in something called necking. For us humans, necking only means kissing, which is cool if you’re into that kind of thing. If you’re into something more testosterone filled, you only have to look at the giraffe version of necking. Get this. Their version of necking involves taking their necks and swinging them at each other’s necks in order to do battle. That beats kissing any day in my book. It’s important to note that necking has a sexual purpose too. Taken from Wikipedia : “Another function of necking is sexual, in which two males caress and court each other, leading up to mounting and climax. Such interactions between males are more frequent than heterosexual coupling.”

I know that I’ve painted a perfect picture for the life of a giraffe, but things aren’t always so dandy. Here’s a narrative from a giraffe (by HENRY HO!!!!!!!!).

Recently being a giraffe is not enough for me. Living everyday, voiced over by Ross, looking weird drinking water, running around day after day as awkward as a stick figure; I feel like a stick figure, existing in two dimensions. Oh, being a giraffe is all that I can be. I hate my existence. Sometimes I would be reaching for a leave high up in the trees just to realize that leaves are all that I can eat because no fruit grows this fricking high. I exist in such a two dimensional world. Oh... what is beyond eating leaves all day. One good thing that happened today: a lion finally got that itch I have not being able to get when she jumped on my back and started chewing on me. Yes, sometimes I think about killing myself, but the lion usually falls off and kills herself in the process of trying to kill me, and my longass neck makes it extremely difficult for me to kill myself. Yay me, I can get the highest leaf in the forest.

Even giraffes can be sad.

Kobe Bryant

I’m a big fan of Kobe Bryant. When I found this picture of Kobe, Lebron James, and Carmelo Anthony, I set it as my desktop wallpaper.

Now it’s a pretty good picture but it could be improved. For one, if I had to choose the top 3 players from the olympic squad, I’d have to go with Dwayne Wade instead of Carmelo. Also, if I had to go with people who aren’t arrogant pickle faces, I’d take out the ugly dude on the right and replace him with a care bear. So I got a brilliant idea and edited the picture a bit.

3 KOBES!!!!!!!

How To Get A Girl To Like You

I don’t know. :-(