Safety Drills

All this recent hoopala about bomb threats has got me thinking about situations like this. And then I got to thinking about other danger situations such as fires, earthquakes, and even the occasional azn that snaps and decides to shoot people at school. Well, I'm here once again to englighten you as to why the current methods of protecting ourselves from these natural disasters is inadequate, and futile.

First of all, lets take a close look at what we do when there is a fire. We walk out to the GRASS. Isn't grass one of the first things to CATCH ON FIRE? And then we stand there for ages hoping that the flame doesn't spread to the grass because if it does, we're toast. See, my proposal is to make this process more efficient. It seems that the goal of the administration is to have all the students catch flame so they can make a video called America's Funniest Students. Well, instead of waiting on the grass for the fire to come to us, we should just all go to the fire and jump in.

And with earthquakes, it's much safer to stay inside where stuff can fall on you, or so I've been told. I mean, who knows what could happen outside. The sky might fall on you, and you would end up just like Chicken Little. Based on what we do with a fire (running to the fire), I'm suprised that we aren't instructed to run under the biggest object you can find.

And with a gunman, it's really smart to stay put. Usually, it's some pissed off kid that wants to kill this one person. And this one person is stuck in whatever class they're in. Not very hard to figure out how to kill that person. And stackign a few chairs up against the door will really fool the killer. I mean, how the heck could any one figure out that you just have to push the thing? Genius.

So everyone is well prepared in the event that one of these things happen, which they have not for about 50 gabajillion years. But... what if more then one occurred at once? Lets say there is a fire, and an earthquake. Half the class will be running outside wildy onto the grass and falling through cracks in the ground into the depths of Mordor while the other half wil be burning up under their desks while stuff fall on them anyways. Not a pretty sight.

If there was a fire and random shooters, then that would be horrible. Just get one of those machine guns that have 5000 bullets and shoot around the grass. People won't know whether to run away into the fire or stay and get hit by bullets. Some people like Joey may even be unlucky enough to get shot while running into the fire and burn up.

Earthquake + Shooter. Well, this is good cuz stuff will fall on people and the shooter will be hurt because the sky will fall on him. Or her....no it's a him.

If all of these happened... well... all I can say is there won't be school for awhile.

We need to have an UFO drill where we all run away as fast as possible.