I was recently reminded of the MTV show Next, and I started to imagine myself in that show. I know I wouldn't fit in at all because there seems to be a level 9 shallowness rating and a level 12 douchbagginess rating but I'd bring in my own twist. Here's how my episode of Next would go.
Setting: Mouth of a volcano
(Girl 1 comes out of van)
Girl 1: I like ice cream.
Me: What happened to your face? Next!!!
(I push her into flaming pit of lava. Girl 1 Screams.)
(Girl 2 comes out of van)
Girl 2: I just want money so I'll act like a slut.
Me: You look like you just want money so you'll act like a slut. Next!!!
(I kick her into flaming pit of lava. Girl 2 screams, but not as loud as Girl 1.)
(Switch to shot of van with the 3 remaining girls inside.)
Girl 3: How come they're not coming back?
Girl 4: I heard screams too!
Girl 5: I'm really pretty.
(Girl 3 comes out.)
Me: Double You Tee Eff, are you a man?? Next!
(Dragon pops out of lava and eats Girl 3. Girl 4 comes out of van)
Girl 4: I li-
(I throw a pie in Girl 4's face, just for laughs. Then I electrocute her, just for fun. Girl 4 runs away crying and falls into lava pit. Girl 5 comes out.)
Girl 5: I'm really pretty.
Me: Yeah but you smell.
(Dragon causes mini earthquake and Girl 5 loses balance because she is an airhead and falls into lava pit.)
The show would end with me riding off into the sunset while the camera men try to flee from the man eating dragon.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
The Game of Life
I'm here to talk about the Game of Life. No, that is not an interesting attention grabber title in which I will lead off with to discuss some aspect of life. No, I am just talking about the board game Life. In case you've never played this timeless classic, I've decided to draw up a review of this board game. Pictures are hard to find online so I only have one to show. I've concluded this is the case due to the fact that the manufacturers of the game don't want to reveal how bad their game really is.
If you're playing Life, you have no life.
I have just decided at this point in the post to forgo any resemblance of a structured review and just talk about whatever I want. If you don't like it, then go read something else. If you do like it, then you most likely have bad taste.
The point of the game is to make a lot of money and get to the end of road of life. Everyone's life is apparently very linear because there is a total of 2 or 3 different paths, and they all merge together quickly anyways. At the end, whoever has the most money wins. Money is obtained by landing on spaces and secretly stealing from the bank. Ok, enough logistics. On to the fun stuff.
At the start of the game, you have the choice of going to college, or getting a job right away. Going to college sets you back a couple grand, and you get one less payday (spaces where you earn money), but you get to choose from more jobs and salaries after you finish college. Anyways, the choice of going to college or not is totally up to you. However, if there was an asian version of this game, it'd be quite different. If you chose to not to go to college, you'd die immediately. There is no life if there is no college... well, at least that's what my parents tell me.
Once you reach a certain point in the path, you get married. The whole process is ridiculous. Everyone's playing piece is a little car, and you have little people sit inside. When you get married, you just pick up a pink/blue colored person and place him/her beside you. As if it was that easy. What if you don't want to get married? What if you haven't found that special someone yet? What if you're butt ugly and no one of the opposite sex will even stand within a 25 foot radius of you for fear of catching the ugly? Thats not how life works.
The career card are a joke too. You get one randomly and that's your job. If you go to college you get 3 cards randomly and you have to choose one. Apparently the game creators thought it would be funny to show every stereotype they could. The male athlete looks like a balloon with his inflated muscles. The policeman has a fat stomach and is chomping on donuts. And don't even get me started on the "cotton picker" job with the smiling black guy on it.
Most of the game is based on luck. You spin a spinner and you move that many spaces. Actually I take back that first statement. This whole game is based on luck. It teaches you that life is all luck and nothing you do will ever affect the end. The only input you have in the game is how hard you spin the spinner, and when you decide to stop wasting your time and quit playing the game.
I think this game could have some more realism added. For instance, you could have some spaces where you catch diseases. "You got malaria. You died." It doesn't even have to be so negative and have you dying, it should just make things more interesting. "You peed in your pants. Lose a turn hiding in the bathroom." "You got scammed by an email from Nigeria. Lose all your money and dignity." They could even throw in some more positive things. "You are guilty of murder. ONLY lose 2 turns instead of 10 years."
In the end of the game, you just total up all your money, which comes from many different sources than just paper cash, but I'm too lazy to explain. Everyone ends up with around 1 million dollars or greater, implying that life is good. Everyone lives in mansions at the end. No one has alzheimer's disease.
Final Verdict: I suppose that if you were stranded on an island with one friend, and you could choose between this board game and a 1x1 battleship game, this would be the better choice. Then again, you might be compelled to drown yourself if you had to play this game too many times, so I suppose this game is dangerous. Last words? Use this game as firewood.
If you're playing Life, you have no life.I have just decided at this point in the post to forgo any resemblance of a structured review and just talk about whatever I want. If you don't like it, then go read something else. If you do like it, then you most likely have bad taste.
The point of the game is to make a lot of money and get to the end of road of life. Everyone's life is apparently very linear because there is a total of 2 or 3 different paths, and they all merge together quickly anyways. At the end, whoever has the most money wins. Money is obtained by landing on spaces and secretly stealing from the bank. Ok, enough logistics. On to the fun stuff.
At the start of the game, you have the choice of going to college, or getting a job right away. Going to college sets you back a couple grand, and you get one less payday (spaces where you earn money), but you get to choose from more jobs and salaries after you finish college. Anyways, the choice of going to college or not is totally up to you. However, if there was an asian version of this game, it'd be quite different. If you chose to not to go to college, you'd die immediately. There is no life if there is no college... well, at least that's what my parents tell me.
Once you reach a certain point in the path, you get married. The whole process is ridiculous. Everyone's playing piece is a little car, and you have little people sit inside. When you get married, you just pick up a pink/blue colored person and place him/her beside you. As if it was that easy. What if you don't want to get married? What if you haven't found that special someone yet? What if you're butt ugly and no one of the opposite sex will even stand within a 25 foot radius of you for fear of catching the ugly? Thats not how life works.
The career card are a joke too. You get one randomly and that's your job. If you go to college you get 3 cards randomly and you have to choose one. Apparently the game creators thought it would be funny to show every stereotype they could. The male athlete looks like a balloon with his inflated muscles. The policeman has a fat stomach and is chomping on donuts. And don't even get me started on the "cotton picker" job with the smiling black guy on it.
Most of the game is based on luck. You spin a spinner and you move that many spaces. Actually I take back that first statement. This whole game is based on luck. It teaches you that life is all luck and nothing you do will ever affect the end. The only input you have in the game is how hard you spin the spinner, and when you decide to stop wasting your time and quit playing the game.
I think this game could have some more realism added. For instance, you could have some spaces where you catch diseases. "You got malaria. You died." It doesn't even have to be so negative and have you dying, it should just make things more interesting. "You peed in your pants. Lose a turn hiding in the bathroom." "You got scammed by an email from Nigeria. Lose all your money and dignity." They could even throw in some more positive things. "You are guilty of murder. ONLY lose 2 turns instead of 10 years."
In the end of the game, you just total up all your money, which comes from many different sources than just paper cash, but I'm too lazy to explain. Everyone ends up with around 1 million dollars or greater, implying that life is good. Everyone lives in mansions at the end. No one has alzheimer's disease.
Final Verdict: I suppose that if you were stranded on an island with one friend, and you could choose between this board game and a 1x1 battleship game, this would be the better choice. Then again, you might be compelled to drown yourself if you had to play this game too many times, so I suppose this game is dangerous. Last words? Use this game as firewood.
Friday, January 25, 2008
5 Random Thoughts
1. There's a problem with the Gregorian calendar, the dating system we use now. It gives the impression that we have reached this point in the technology timeline in a simple 2000 years. This leads to absurd comments such as "Where are my FLYING CARS!!!", or "Why can't we control weather yet? I want it to rain cats and dogs so I can get a dog for my daughter", or even "OMG ROFLTOPTER FTW wO0T!!!@#". Okay, the last one doesn't really fit in but its an absurd statement nonetheless.
2. You know when people say "I don't know what you're talking about" in that sly way with a smile that means "I do not know what you're talking about"? When I say it, I usually really have no idea what you're talking about... but I smile anyways because I want to fit in.
3. In middle school and perhaps even high school if one never grew up, at the start of the semester people always proclaim loudly that they have an A+. They all seem really happy and such. I never understood this because I not only had an A+ at the beginning of the semester but for the whole semester.
4. I was eating this really spicy beef with rice one night, and I started sniffing a lot because it was so spicy. After a bit, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and such. On the way there I was still sniffing a lot, and I saw some guy looking at me, with a look on his face that wondered why I was crying. Not wanting to be seen as a wuss, I immediately pointed out that I ate spicy stuff. He was just nodded his head, and gave a look like "Uh huh...right..."
5. I got a new wireless printer. It's pretty sweet because I can put the printer anywhere I want and not be restricted by a usb cable. I could have it in someone else's room if I wanted, and print them pictures of 2girls1cup or something. But this is all hypothetical. In reality, the printer is on the ground, under my bed, less than one foot from where I sit down to work.
2. You know when people say "I don't know what you're talking about" in that sly way with a smile that means "I do not know what you're talking about"? When I say it, I usually really have no idea what you're talking about... but I smile anyways because I want to fit in.
3. In middle school and perhaps even high school if one never grew up, at the start of the semester people always proclaim loudly that they have an A+. They all seem really happy and such. I never understood this because I not only had an A+ at the beginning of the semester but for the whole semester.
4. I was eating this really spicy beef with rice one night, and I started sniffing a lot because it was so spicy. After a bit, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and such. On the way there I was still sniffing a lot, and I saw some guy looking at me, with a look on his face that wondered why I was crying. Not wanting to be seen as a wuss, I immediately pointed out that I ate spicy stuff. He was just nodded his head, and gave a look like "Uh huh...right..."
5. I got a new wireless printer. It's pretty sweet because I can put the printer anywhere I want and not be restricted by a usb cable. I could have it in someone else's room if I wanted, and print them pictures of 2girls1cup or something. But this is all hypothetical. In reality, the printer is on the ground, under my bed, less than one foot from where I sit down to work.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Games Stress Me Out
Recently I found a computer game I never had much time to play before so I decided to give it a little love. Monopoly Tycoon is a game made in 2001, and it's quite simple. Without going into too much detail, you build businesses on blocks and try to earn the most money. The blocks are named after the Monopoly property titles to give it that whole obligatory Monopoly tie-in. It's a pretty simple and fun game, aimed toward younger kids, as such I was in the year 2001. Many guides online stated that the computer was pretty easy, and the real challenge lay in the multiplayer games where you match wits with other little kids.
I discovered a few things after a few days of playing.
1. In a 2001 game, medium level computers can beat me.
2. In a old 2001 game, lowly medium level computers can beat me.
3. In a old 200-freaking-1 game, lowly medium level crap computers canbeat crush the orange juice out of me as if I was an orange.
What I'm trying to get across is that I lost a lot on the medium difficulty setting on an "easy" game. This isn't good for my self esteem at all. After enduring those losses, every subsequent game was nerve wracking. Fear and doubt started to creep in. "Should I build here? Or maybe there? Maybe anywhere? I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am." I got so twitchy that I'd try to click on the mouse once, and end up clicking 5 times. People would have thought there was a woodpecker in the house. My hand got so sweaty that the mouse flew right off of it and killed a fly. All of this because one thought kept running through my mind, "In the name of Thor's manly hair, how am I losing?"
The moral of this story? Don't play easy games and lose.
I discovered a few things after a few days of playing.
1. In a 2001 game, medium level computers can beat me.
2. In a old 2001 game, lowly medium level computers can beat me.
3. In a old 200-freaking-1 game, lowly medium level crap computers can
What I'm trying to get across is that I lost a lot on the medium difficulty setting on an "easy" game. This isn't good for my self esteem at all. After enduring those losses, every subsequent game was nerve wracking. Fear and doubt started to creep in. "Should I build here? Or maybe there? Maybe anywhere? I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam-I-Am." I got so twitchy that I'd try to click on the mouse once, and end up clicking 5 times. People would have thought there was a woodpecker in the house. My hand got so sweaty that the mouse flew right off of it and killed a fly. All of this because one thought kept running through my mind, "In the name of Thor's manly hair, how am I losing?"
The moral of this story? Don't play easy games and lose.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I Have A White Hair
I was quite saddened by the fact that I had a long strand of white hair on my head. Here's a picture so you know what I am talking about.
A picture of my white hair on a white tablecloth
while white light is shining on it.
A picture of my white hair on a white tableclothwhile white light is shining on it.
I've made a list of my thoughts concerning this disastrous event.
1. Did I get this white hair because of stress? I hope I do not get stressed about this because then that would produce more white hairs and I'd get even more stressed and even more white hairs would appear until I look like a giant snowball.
2. I am glad I found this rebel hair before it started to spread its whiteness ideas to the other hairs.
3. Perhaps the hair was an albino.
4. Perhaps I am growing older 3 to 4 times faster than normal. This would suck because I would die in a few years. It also sucks because that would mean I'm going to start shrinking soon and I'm small enough as it is.
5. If all my hair turned white soon, I could look like an anime character because they all have crazy colored hair that's really big. And big eyes. And big heads sometimes... and big... yeah you get the pattern here.
6. Green is such a cool color. Why can't it be green and not white? Also, it's Connie's birthday today!
I don't think I'd look good with white hair. Here's a simulated picture of what I would look like. Thanks to Lensar for the original photo.
Sexiest White Haired Guy Alive
1. Did I get this white hair because of stress? I hope I do not get stressed about this because then that would produce more white hairs and I'd get even more stressed and even more white hairs would appear until I look like a giant snowball.
2. I am glad I found this rebel hair before it started to spread its whiteness ideas to the other hairs.
3. Perhaps the hair was an albino.
4. Perhaps I am growing older 3 to 4 times faster than normal. This would suck because I would die in a few years. It also sucks because that would mean I'm going to start shrinking soon and I'm small enough as it is.
5. If all my hair turned white soon, I could look like an anime character because they all have crazy colored hair that's really big. And big eyes. And big heads sometimes... and big... yeah you get the pattern here.
6. Green is such a cool color. Why can't it be green and not white? Also, it's Connie's birthday today!
I don't think I'd look good with white hair. Here's a simulated picture of what I would look like. Thanks to Lensar for the original photo.
Sexiest White Haired Guy Alive
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