Shoot or Ask Questions?

For tonights installment of fun, let's have a pretend scenario. Let's say that you're in some sort of country where 95% of the people are bad people. Everyone in this country, including you, is armed with some sort of machine gun so it is a pretty dangerous place. Now let's say that it's nighttime and it's really dark outside. You see someone coming but you can't tell if it is someone friendly or not. The question now is, what do you do? Here's some possible courses of action.

Sidenote: Running isn't an option because I said it's not.

1. Shoot first, ask questions later

95% of the people here are bad guys so the person coming is most likely a bad person. Also, there's the chance that even if it was a friend, you'd only injure them and they would still be alive. Better safe than sorry. Also, if you have really bad aim, you'd want to be the one to start shooting so you have a better chance of hitting them before you get shot.


2. Ask questions first, Shoot later

You, the reader, might be thinking, "Patrick you're so awesome and such but I don't think you're supposed to add 'shoot later' to that." Well, I, the writer, will say that 95% of the people are baddies anyways so you'll most likely have to end up shooting them. This will just make you feel better about having to try and hurt someone else because you confirmed their a bad person. Of course this all hinges on the fact that they are dumb enough to respond before shooting at you, but if you're dumb enough to ask questions first in this situation, maybe everyone else is just like you.

3. Shoot while asking questions

If you have good aim, you probably won't be getting any answers to your questions with this method.

A Conversation

I recently heard a conversation that went like this.

Person 1: Hi, how are you?
Person 2: Good, how about you?
Person 1: Good.
Person 2: Good.
Person 1: Okay, bye.
Person 2: Bye.

This is why I don't talk to people.

My Perfect World

There has been countless ideas of what a perfect world would be like, and an equal amount of theories as to why a perfect world can't exist. Unfortunately for anyone who has spent the time to read them, they're all wrong. I'm here to cast the first correct stone into a vast yard full of stones that are incorrect. I'm going to throw a bucket of water into a lake of spit. My words will be a flashlight in the land with no light.

Some people want a perfect world to have no violence, wars, or arguments. They want a Pleasantville, where everyone goes "Gee golly!", "Gee Whiskers!" and "That's swell!". Basically, everyone would be a nerd. Besides the fact that this would be a boring world to live in, it would never happen. We as humans are able to argue about almost anything. I'm not even talking about the big things in life like which country we should bomb next, whose religion is less wrong, or the existence or nonexistence of business ethics. People find the time to argue about white chocolate vs dark chocolate (dark is better), cats or dogs (dogs), and brownies or cookies (they're both chocolate, just take BOTH).

I'd take the time to take a look at a few more theories and explain what's wrong with them but I made a nice simple mathematical formula.

# of ideas not mine that are correct = 0

Remember, it's math and math is always right.

Anyways, here's a quick rundown of my perfect world.

1. Everyone gets a bajillion dollars.

2. Excuse me for the stereotypes but every girl gets one cute animal and every guy gets one cool gun/tank.

3. There is no such thing as the abomination that is white chocolate.

4. My best friend wouldn't be my laptop. It would be my second best friend after my NEW imaginary laptop.

5. Everyone would be nice to me. They can be mean to each other all they want though. They just have to be nice to me.

Next!

I was recently reminded of the MTV show Next, and I started to imagine myself in that show. I know I wouldn't fit in at all because there seems to be a level 9 shallowness rating and a level 12 douchbagginess rating but I'd bring in my own twist. Here's how my episode of Next would go.

Setting: Mouth of a volcano

(Girl 1 comes out of van)

Girl 1: I like ice cream.

Me: What happened to your face? Next!!!

(I push her into flaming pit of lava. Girl 1 Screams.)

(Girl 2 comes out of van)

Girl 2: I just want money so I'll act like a slut.

Me: You look like you just want money so you'll act like a slut. Next!!!

(I kick her into flaming pit of lava. Girl 2 screams, but not as loud as Girl 1.)

(Switch to shot of van with the 3 remaining girls inside.)

Girl 3: How come they're not coming back?

Girl 4: I heard screams too!

Girl 5: I'm really pretty.

(Girl 3 comes out.)

Me: Double You Tee Eff, are you a man?? Next!

(Dragon pops out of lava and eats Girl 3. Girl 4 comes out of van)

Girl 4: I li-

(I throw a pie in Girl 4's face, just for laughs. Then I electrocute her, just for fun. Girl 4 runs away crying and falls into lava pit. Girl 5 comes out.)

Girl 5: I'm really pretty.

Me: Yeah but you smell.

(Dragon causes mini earthquake and Girl 5 loses balance because she is an airhead and falls into lava pit.)


The show would end with me riding off into the sunset while the camera men try to flee from the man eating dragon.

The Game of Life

I'm here to talk about the Game of Life. No, that is not an interesting attention grabber title in which I will lead off with to discuss some aspect of life. No, I am just talking about the board game Life. In case you've never played this timeless classic, I've decided to draw up a review of this board game. Pictures are hard to find online so I only have one to show. I've concluded this is the case due to the fact that the manufacturers of the game don't want to reveal how bad their game really is.

If you're playing Life, you have no life.

I have just decided at this point in the post to forgo any resemblance of a structured review and just talk about whatever I want. If you don't like it, then go read something else. If you do like it, then you most likely have bad taste.

The point of the game is to make a lot of money and get to the end of road of life. Everyone's life is apparently very linear because there is a total of 2 or 3 different paths, and they all merge together quickly anyways. At the end, whoever has the most money wins. Money is obtained by landing on spaces and secretly stealing from the bank. Ok, enough logistics. On to the fun stuff.

At the start of the game, you have the choice of going to college, or getting a job right away. Going to college sets you back a couple grand, and you get one less payday (spaces where you earn money), but you get to choose from more jobs and salaries after you finish college. Anyways, the choice of going to college or not is totally up to you. However, if there was an asian version of this game, it'd be quite different. If you chose to not to go to college, you'd die immediately. There is no life if there is no college... well, at least that's what my parents tell me.

Once you reach a certain point in the path, you get married. The whole process is ridiculous. Everyone's playing piece is a little car, and you have little people sit inside. When you get married, you just pick up a pink/blue colored person and place him/her beside you. As if it was that easy. What if you don't want to get married? What if you haven't found that special someone yet? What if you're butt ugly and no one of the opposite sex will even stand within a 25 foot radius of you for fear of catching the ugly? Thats not how life works.

The career card are a joke too. You get one randomly and that's your job. If you go to college you get 3 cards randomly and you have to choose one. Apparently the game creators thought it would be funny to show every stereotype they could. The male athlete looks like a balloon with his inflated muscles. The policeman has a fat stomach and is chomping on donuts. And don't even get me started on the "cotton picker" job with the smiling black guy on it.

Most of the game is based on luck. You spin a spinner and you move that many spaces. Actually I take back that first statement. This whole game is based on luck. It teaches you that life is all luck and nothing you do will ever affect the end. The only input you have in the game is how hard you spin the spinner, and when you decide to stop wasting your time and quit playing the game.

I think this game could have some more realism added. For instance, you could have some spaces where you catch diseases. "You got malaria. You died." It doesn't even have to be so negative and have you dying, it should just make things more interesting. "You peed in your pants. Lose a turn hiding in the bathroom." "You got scammed by an email from Nigeria. Lose all your money and dignity." They could even throw in some more positive things. "You are guilty of murder. ONLY lose 2 turns instead of 10 years."

In the end of the game, you just total up all your money, which comes from many different sources than just paper cash, but I'm too lazy to explain. Everyone ends up with around 1 million dollars or greater, implying that life is good. Everyone lives in mansions at the end. No one has alzheimer's disease.

Final Verdict: I suppose that if you were stranded on an island with one friend, and you could choose between this board game and a 1x1 battleship game, this would be the better choice. Then again, you might be compelled to drown yourself if you had to play this game too many times, so I suppose this game is dangerous. Last words? Use this game as firewood.