Basketball 10/8

• Played with Akshay Rao
• People passed me the ball 4 times in 2 games
• Felt like I was running instead of playing basketball
• It was fun

Basketball 9/21

• I got burned several times by someone wearing a ‘Got Ginobili?’ shirt.
• I made zero shots.
• My brother and I ran into each other. He was either setting me a screen, hoping I would set a screen, or wondering why I was in the way.
• My best play was a monster block (by me) that led to an easy fast break layup (by me), only to find out that someone had been fouled before the block.
• Also, this conversation with my mom

  [9:49:18 PM] Mom: How was your game?
  [9:49:37 PM] Patrick: good
  [9:49:46 PM] Mom: Won
  [9:49:49 PM] Patrick: lost
  [9:49:56 PM] Mom: Haha

Role Models

Everyone feels down about themselves at one point or another. At times like that, one needs a role model. I have mainly focused on two people for inspiration throughout my life. For me, Kobe Bryant’s stern, unwavering, ice cold demeanor in the storm of trouble is a beacon of light for emulation. Eminem’s brilliant ability to shrug off negativity and recover from drug addiction is straight up dope. If you were like me and chose these two people as role models, I’m here to tell you that you chose the wrong people.

Look at what Eminem looks like now.

Scary.

And look at Kobe Bryant’s victory cheer.

He looks more like the village idiot trying to attack the basketball with imaginary axes than a basketball player.

How the mighty have fallen. Any suggestions for new role models?

<3 you Vian!!!!

Congrats on finding this :)

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LOTR All-Star Basketball Team

Unfortunately it has been a few years since I’ve read the books or watched the movies so I don’t remember all the characters. If I had to make a 12 man team from the “good guys”, here would be my all-star team.

Starters

Gandalf (Center) – He has the mentality of a center. Will protect the paint at all costs. “You. Shall. Not. Pass.”

Legolas (Shooting guard) – A great long distance shooter. Never misses.

Aragon and Bormoir (Small/Power Foward) – Generic white players. Probably not good at jumping but good at shooting and fundamentals.

Gimli (Point Guard) - Overweight Boykins, can set a few screens with his ‘heft’. Or something.

Bench

Hobbits (4) - Frodo would be a bad pg because  he doesn’t share, and they’re all like 3 feet tall anyway.

Ents – Slow and useless, but I need more players so they will have to do. Maybe put them in to commit some hard, bone crushing fouls.

Eagle – Yeah… I don’t even know anymore.

Green ghost dude – Is a ghost so will not experience fatigue.

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I just realized that the main company accompanying Frodo and the ring to Mordor consisted of nine people. Nine. It’d be seven if you count hobbits as half. And it’d be something like 13 if you measured how much food hobbits eat. They seriously chose a horrible group of people too.

Hobbits(4) – All useless. Frodo is slightly less useless because he has the ring.

Aragon – Has a broken sword.

Bromoir – Only reason he wasn’t branded a traitor was because his attempt at stealing the ring failed so miserably that it resulted in his death.

Legolas – Hates dwarves.

Gimli – Hates elves. (Good team chemistry)

Gandalf – Only person who can do anything, but had to sacrifice himself 10 minutes into the journey to save everyone else’s incompetent butts.

Bret Harte All Stars

Inspired by Jeffrey Ho’s 2009 Bret Harte All-Stars post, I decided to create a more updated version. (Don’t worry, despite the shady looking url, the link is quite safe.) I was so impressed by the level of everyone’s improvement that I decided to cut down on the humor, and just heap on the praise.

I present to you the 2010 Bret Harte ‘Early Summer League’ All-Stars:

Name: Daniel Wu
Skill Set: Impossible shots
Scouting Report: While already near unstoppable with his ability to unleash a barrage of 3 pointers and running leaning two pointers over multiple defenders, Daniel still has that extra gear of tough defense that he reserves for matchups against Allen.

Name: Allen Yeh
Skill Set: Dream Shake
Scouting Report: Once saddled with the unflattering, but accurate, nickname of ‘Pump Faking Faggot’, Allen has evolved his offensive game to a whole new level. The pump fakes from 18 feet out that fooled no one have been replaced with pump fakes from 3 feet out that fool everyone.

Name: Jeffrey Ho
Skill Set: Rebounding Monster
Scouting Report: Won the ‘Most Improved Player’ award. Came back to Bret Harte and impressed everyone by showing off an extended shooting range out to 20 feet. Still gets rebounds like a hungry hungry hippo gets marbles.

Name: Mikey Liu
Skill Set: Everything
Scouting Report: Mikey has traded in his crazy shots for a steadying presence at the point. Cuts through defenses like a chainsaw on butter. Still can fly and hit outside jumpers. The Asian American Astronaut. (Credit to Allen for the nickname) 

Name: Theo Chao
Skill Set: Inside game, being tall(ish)
Scouting Report: Being the tallest of a group of short people, Theo is often forced to defend the opposing teams’ 7 footers. He responds well and does not back down, even when the opponent throws elbows like Dwight Howard. When motivated, Theo is capable of going nova on offense.

Name: Katherine Pan
Skill Set: Quick Trigger
Scouting Report: The Asian Ray Allen, Katherine is a certified sharpshooter who claimed to be ‘rusty’… while dropping bombs on everyone. If Katherine is not allowed to touch a basketball for a whole year, she would probably become the best basketball player ever due to ‘rust’.

Name: Andy Liang
Skill Set: Handles the ball like it’s a 3rd arm, and I don’t mean in a deformed way
Scouting Report: Not wanting to be selfish and steal all the glory with death defying reverse layups coupled with blazing hot foot-on-the-line outside shooting, Andy has been looking to create for others.

Name: Spencer Eng
Skill Set: Not hanging out with the Bret Harte All Stars
Scouting Report: Had to “study” ‘Financial Economics’, and then bolted for LA when we wanted to play with him

Name: Jeffrey Poon
Skill Set: Showing up at the wrong time
Scouting Report: Arrived on the Sunday that everyone left

Spring Break: Day 4

A slow day today. Played the PIG equivalent of HORSE with my brother. It started out well. We went back and forth on a variety of different shots, including a few turnaround jumpers. My brother had read my blog and knew about my weakness concerning free throws so he exploited that to get me my first letter. I eventually lost P-I-G to nothing, but I am satisfied.

Spring Break: Day 2

Today I ventured once more to the harsh, unforgiving courts of my local middle school. Today was about redemption. Records, not one’s will, are meant to be broken. However, the twist in this story appears quite early. While I was still doing my usual warmup, someone came up to me and introduced himself. I shall call him Charlie from UC Davis, or just Charlie for short.

Charlie seems like a cool guy. Charlie is also quite fearless. There was a group of 10 mini-Hulks playing basketball. They were all about 6 feet tall, and had arms the size of my head. They reminded me of Michael Jordan’s opponents in the movie Space Jam. Charlie from UC Davis asked if I wanted to try to get in on a game with them. He said it would just be for fun, but I do not see the fun in having the ball ricochet from someone’s hand and into my face.   I was very hesitant but I said yes. I still do not know why I said yes. Perhaps I was feeling reckless with my life. Fortunately for my livelihood, the mini-Hulks were playing their last game. I know that they were not lying to spare our feelings because they left soon afterwards.

Me and Charlie decided to play with some other people instead. They were two years younger than me, and they annoyed me because they were all better than I was. We first played 3’s, which was alright. Then, more of their friends came and we decided to play fours, to 21.

My team lost, and I feel I am partially to blame. I usually like to exaggerate because it makes things more amazing but what I say next is not an exaggeration. I played horribly. I had about 10 layup attempts, and one of them went in. I shot 3 baseline jumpers, and two of them were airballs and one of them was blocked. I had about 10 turnovers. They started calling me Ben Wallace, but that is not accurate because Ben Wallace can make layups sometimes. Once I got the ball and was wide open to take a 3 pointer. Two of my teammates frantically bellowed at me to take the 3. I usually do not take 3 pointers because I am very bad at them, but that time I succumbed to peer pressure. It hit the backboard and then hit someone’s head.

At least it was fun because I knew one person there, even though I had only known Charlie from UC Davis for about an hour and I will probably never see him again.

Spring Break: Day 1

Everyone laughs at Shaquille O’Neal for being so bad at shooting free throws. I sometimes feel sorry for him, but then I remember that he was born huge and gets paid millions to be huge so I stop feeling sorry for him and start feeling sorry for myself. I then join in the derision of his free throw shooting. But is it really fair of me to laugh at him? Can I shoot better than Shaq? I set out to find out.

I went out to the local middle school to begin my challenge. I started warming up like I always do, with a free throw. It was an airball. This one was not to count in my overall percentage. I then took an assortment of jumpers, many of which did not go in. There were many people around, both young and old. I could feel their laughter, even though it was silent. I yelled back, silently.

After my warmup, I began my lengthy trial. The setup was simple enough. Shoot 100 free throws. Shaq is shooting 49.6% this season. I was actually not aware of his season average until I started writing this so I was gunning for his career average. 52.7% for his career. 53 free throws and I get bragging rights, as minimal as they may be.

Things started out alright. I am not the best free throw shooter ever. I am not even second best. I would place myself somewhere between ‘not that good’, and ‘better than someone who has never touched a basketball’. After 30 heaves toward the rim, I had gotten 15 shots in. On one hand, I was pleased that I had made 15 more than I had anticipated, but ultimately 50% is not a great number. I decided to, as they say, ‘flip the switch’.

The switch either was not flipped or was utterly useless, even as a placebo. After 10 more shots, for a total of 40, I had made 20. Same percentage as before, but still within striking distance of my goal.

Many shots later, the landscape had not changed. I stood at a 40 for 80 mark. Not great, but once again, the target was still reachable. Shaq always says he makes them when it counts (he doesn’t), and I had to do the same. I needed to shoot 65% the rest of the way. This is where this changes from an inspiring, uplifting story, to a tale of despair and sadness.

Bottom line? I shot 5 for 20 the rest of the way. 45 for 100 overall.

But all is not lost. Here is a list of a few of the more notable NBA players that have a lower free throw percentage than I do.

Andris Biedrins (4-25, 16%), Kwame Brown (29-81, 35.8%), DeAndre Jordan (38-102, 37.3%), Ben Wallace (55-141, 39%)

While I may have failed today, I can’t overreact to this. Today I may be a 45% free throw shooter, but tomorrow I may be shooting 25% on 3 pointers instead. You just never know with these things.

Twitter Uses

I can imagine many good uses for Twitter. Pretend that Jack Bauer from the show 24 is hiding from baddies and needs to get help. Well, he can’t just whip out his cell phone and call for help because people will hear him. He can whip out his cell phone and send out a tweet though. “Hlp, hiding in dumpster, send backup" This is better than a text message because one simple tweet could reach multiple people.

I can also imagine many silly ways to use Twitter. Unfortunately for everyone, some of these silly uses have already been imagined and used.

That’s right — both Geoff Johns and Jim Lee will be reading FIRST WAVE #1 on Wednesday, and you can share the experience with them on Twitter, where you can tweet your thoughts and comments to the superstar creators and hear what they think as they flip from page to page.

First Wave is the name of a new comic book series. Imagine the fun you’ll have when you read what these other people have to say about reading! Perhaps these two writers have some valuable insight, but I find it doubtful. Here are some sample tweets that I came up with.

• Wow. Cool pictures
• I flipped a page
• I could have wrote that dialogue better
• I get paid to do this. Don’t you wish you were me
• Flipped a page

Opposite Day

“Can I borrow a dollar?”

“Yes. But it’s opposite day, so HAHAHA”

Everyone knows about opposite day, the day that exists whenever someone feels like being annoying and unfunny. The idea of opposite day is simple: yes means no and no means yes. And yet, it’s not truly that simple.

Let’s start with the sentence “We declared war.”

The simple translation would be “We declared peace.”

Let’s go a few steps deeper though.

Declare means to announce officially.

So, “We unofficially announce war.”

Or, “We officially keep secret our intentions of war.”

Or, “We keep secret our unofficial intentions of war.”

We can even opposite day the first word too.

“You people declare war.”

Or, “I declare war.”

Or, “Everyone but us declares war.”

Put it all together and you could get something like “Everyone but us is keeping secret their unofficial intentions of peace.”

If you said that to someone and they were to un-opposite it in a simple way, they might come up with “Everyone declared war on us.” Uh oh.

Text Message Templates

I only blog when I have something to procrastinate about. Right now that thing is unpacking my clothes.
I don’t text message a lot because I don’t have a texting plan and I don’t like being swiped two dimes every time I want to send a few misspelled words. I just found that there are text message templates for me to use. While they’re a good idea, I thought I’d alter them a bit to better suit my needs. The originals are in bold, my new ones are in italics.
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Call me when you get this message.
I KNOW YOU’RE THERE. ANSWER THE PHONE
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I’m in a meeting. I’ll call you back.
I’m doing something more interesting than talking to you. I’ll call you back when I’m bored.
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I am here.
I am lost. Help.
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Where are you?
Are you lost? I am.
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I love you.
When are you going to let me tap that?
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When can we meet?
Bball, bh, 3?
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Where is the meeting?
Why don’t you ever tell me anything. Where’s the meeting??? Is it over already? Hate you.
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Talk to you soon
word word balls up

Christmas

I wish I was able to give everyone I know a gift for Christmas. I really do. It is nice to receive gifts too. Giving may be better than receiving but giving *and* receiving is even better.

When I give a gift to someone, I feel good about it. I spent time and brain power in choosing out a gift. It is good to see that effort pay off. More importantly though, they now owe me. If you didn’t give me a gift, they owe me even more. I don’t know what it’ll turn into but I hear if I accumulate enough favors, then I’ll get an extra life. Or maybe that was gold coins. The only time I don’t feel good about giving gifts is when the other person doesn’t seem to like it at all. This usually isn’t a problem though because most people are nice enough to at least fake it. (Wowzers! Shoelaces! Exactly what I wanted…!”)

If I ever am lucky enough to have kids, things will get even better. I’ll be able to boss them around and threaten them with the absence of presents to make them do things. And they’ll have to listen or there will be no more Christmas.

So here I am talking about how much I like to give gifts, which might lead you to wonder why you didn’t get a gift from me. Well, the short answer is that I don’t like you. The real answer is that I don’t know what people would like. I have found that I usually miss and get people junk (shoelaces). I suck at choosing gifts. I feel awkward giving sucky gifts to people.

While I still haven’t gotten my bazooka or flamethrower, I got a lot of gifts this year. Every one of my friends has given me the gift of friendship. A bazooka would still be better but I’m not complaining.

Putting things off

Whenever you want to put something off, you need to justify a reason to yourself. Anything will work as long as you have low standards. Here are some examples you can use.

• Eh, tomorrow is a new day.
• Eh, it’s Christmas Eve.
• Eh… eh.

I am using all 3 of those to justify not really making a post today.

Grinch

The Grinch is a fool. He stole all the presents right? And then what does he do? HE GIVES IT BACK? Are you kidding me? If he was able to pull of this kind of job all alone, he could be doing this to like 5-6 big cities in a week. Think of all the presents he’d be getting. Think of all the money he could make. Money may not buy happiness, but money does buy cars and bling bling. And we’re probably not even getting the full story. Once he returned the presents, what happened? Sure they were all happy together for a bit. But come New Years, who wants a green furry guy walking around in their town? People are way racist and they probably chained him up and threw him in some hole.

Man. The grinch. What. A. Fool.

Persuasion

I am moderately skilled in the art of subtle persuasion. I thought I’d put it to the test by trying to get someone to invite me over to play their PS3. Here’s how it went over AIM.

Me: hey
Not Me: hey
Me: how's your ps3
Not Me: rsting :D
Me: you know, i've always wanted to play a ps3
Me: i bet it's rly fun huh
Me: man
Not Me: LOL
Me: i wonder what it's like
Me: hey, we actually live kinda close dont' we
Not Me: lolol
Not Me: yea cept u forgot
Not Me: i look like a deformed chipmunk still

At this point, I just gave up due to uncontrollable laughter. If I continued though, there’s a chance that I would have succeeded. And you know what they say, no chance is worse than some chance.

How To Make An Interesting Blog Post

A lot of people have extremely boring blogs. Here’s an example. Why be boring? It is really easy to talk about something interesting. Here’s how.

The easiest thing to do is just talk about your day. I’ll take you through the process. Here is a bare bones version of my day.

I got a haircut today. I then played basketball.

This is not very interesting. What we have to do next is add a few interesting details. Keyword: Interesting.

I got a very interesting haircut today. Interestingly enough, I then played basketball.

No, not like that!

I got a haircut today. It is too short now. I then played basketball in the dark and rain.

Now that is a bit better, but we need to make the story have some bang. Throw in some stories, make things up if you have to. Just try not to go overboard with the lies or people will stop paying attention, just like the kid who cried wolf.

I got a haircut today. I went to a new place in town. The barber’s name was Sweeney Todd, which I found to be quite an uncommon name. He cut my hair very short. I have been told that I look like Joey Li, which I think may be a bad thing.

I then went to play basketball with a few friends. It started raining but we kept at it. We saw Lebron James and he asked to play a game with us. We politely declined. He then said ‘Do you know who I am?’. We threw several responses to him, including ‘LeBrick’, ‘King Crab Dribble’, ‘The Chubby One’, and ‘No I don’t’. We then ignored him. It then started getting dark so we coudln’t see him anymore and continued playing. 

And there you have it. An interesting story that’s based on my day. Simple as pie.

Laugh Now

What’s the point of a laugh track? Sure, they’re good for the show, but do they really do anything for the viewers? Having a laugh track in a show means two things. The jokes aren’t good enough so they need to feed you simulated laughter. Of course this can’t be the real reason because that would mean the writers are the one who wrote the jokes, and it is never their fault. So the next possible reason is that they think you are too dumb and do not know when to laugh. If they could, they would have you buy a neon sign attachment for your television that would light up every time they wanted you to laugh.

But why are there only laugh tracks? How about something new, like a cry track? When an especially sad scene comes on, you hear multiple people sobbing their hearts out. Or a shock track? When something disgusting, like 2 girls 1 cup, is being shown you hear people yelling out in disgust. Maybe even have one or two sounds of people barfing.

I did manage to come up with something good about laugh tracks. If you’re watching a show alone, it might be nice to get that feeling you’re watching with other people. However, if this actually affects you like this, you’re probably super lonely.

Now all I need is a comment track that makes people comment.

The Beginning of an Epic

The title of this post is misleading. I wanted to grab your attention, but now I follow up by making it clear that is false advertising.

I plan on making one post a day, throughout this winter break. Probability of it happening? Low. Probability that the posts will degenerate into mindless blabbering? High.

Here’s a quick little something to start off the morning. I saw a “fan page” (is that what you call it?) on facebook titled “I didn’t trip, I was testing gravity, it still works.” Pretty hilarious right? I tried changing it up a bit and this is what I came up with.

“I didn’t fail my class, I was testing for grade inflation, it still doesn’t exist.”

The Ugly Duckling

For no good (or bad) reason, I was thinking about the ugly duckling story. Now the question is, would you rather be the ugly duckling(aka swan), or one of the normal ducklings. On the surface it seems that this question can be simplified. Would you rather fit in right away, or endure some hardships and later become something grand and amazing.

Here’s what I think. Don’t be a swan. There’s just too many uncertainties. Why was the ugly duckling abandoned by its parents? Was it crippled? Also, without swan parents, the ugly duckling will not learn the essentials of being a swan. It will instead partake in duck-like actions, which may or may not be beneficial to a swan. Example. Ducks like to quack and walk around relatively close to humans. If a swan did this, they would be picked up by a hungry fellow and cooked for dinner.

And what about the psychological effect? The ugly duckling may be mentally scarred by the time it attains it’s swan status. It’s almost similar to thinking you’re a girl for your whole life and then finding out you’re a boy. The mental damage from being teased and bullied during childhood can’t be ignored either. The ugly duckling may very well not even make it to adulthood.

Even if the ugly ducking does get to the point where it is a majestic swan, what’s next? It has no friends, unless you consider the now inferior ducks friends. And even if it considers the duck enemies, it’s not exactly well equipped to take on a whole swarm of ducks in a fight to the death.

There are just too many known unknowns in addition to the unknown unknowns to be a ugly duckling.